HEOROT — Prominent Geatish hero Beowulf has called for the monster Grendel to receive supplementary training after a series of violent attacks on the Danes, sources confirm.

“What we’re seeing in Heorot is inexcusable,” said Beowulf. “There can be no way forward without reform. We must find a way to live with the monster Grendel, perhaps by forbidding him from obscuring his terrible visage during his nightly raids. We need to sit him down and say, ‘Hey. It’s not okay to devour the heads and limbs of King Hrothgar’s subjects. They are under his protection while they are within the magnificent walls of Heorot.’”

Beowulf’s loyal thanes defended his position against criticism from radical factions.

“You have to understand, the Geats don’t control Heorot,” said Wiglaf of the Geats. “Beowulf can’t just waltz in here and do as he wills. We have to follow established procedures, and that means working within the system for change. Like, we could make the monster wear some identifying mark, so you could look at it and go, ‘Hey, that’s definitely Grendel disemboweling that innocent woman over there.’ But if you just get rid of Grendel, then you’re no better than him. You may as well just let a dragon rule your kingdom.”

Some analysts have claimed that Beowulf has felt pressure to remain moderate on the issue so as not to alienate other monsters and monster supporters.

“Grendel has a mother, you know. She votes,” said Æschere, a political advisor to King Hrothgar. “Beowulf feels that his people won’t support an anti-monster hero. If he comes out and says, ‘Abolish Grendel,’ then he’ll just drive them into the arms of Unferth, his chief rival. You may not like it, but most people want to live in a world ruled by monsters, and Beowulf will need monstrous support in order to become king. Then, and only then, can he make meaningful reform.”

At press time, Beowulf had approved a plan for Grendel to receive additional funding on the condition that he explores the possibility of wearing a body camera.

HOBBITON — Local gardener Samwise Gamgee was convicted for unlawful trespassing and observing private conduct without consent after being accused of eavesdropping on a conversation between Frodo Baggins and wandering magician Gandalf.

“We’re a very private folk, and our laws on this are clear,” said Will Whitfoot, Mayor of Michel Delving, in a press conference after the ruling. “Sure, Mr. Baggins’s cousin and predecessor at Bag End may have been a bit eccentric, and he was hosting that troublesome wizard at the time, but that’s no excuse for spying. Especially with all of the strange folk that have been abroad of late, we must stick to our traditions. Samwise is a gardener, and Mr. Baggins, a gentleman. If we don’t make sure that servants know their place, we’ll be no better than our kin in Bree.”

Gamgee maintained his innocence, saying that his presence on the property was permitted due to his role as Mr. Baggins’ gardener.

“As I’ve said all along, I was just cutting the grass under the window,” said Gamgee. “Some might say that it was a little late for trimming the verge, but that’s just the life of a landscaper. I’m sure if I didn’t get to it that day, I’d hear no end of complaints from Mr. Frodo about how sloppy the lawn looked. I tell him that I’ve got other clients, and everybody wants a neat lawn, but he won’t hear it. I do the work when I can because I’m working all by myself. My old Gaffer is too old to share the load, these days.”

Grey wizard Gandalf commented on the matter.

“Deserves it! I daresay he does,” said Gandalf, who said he no longer felt safe, even in the Shire. “Some may say that to punish a hobbit for so minor a trespass is folly, but that is not so. It is wisdom to recognize necessity, when all other courses have been weighed, though as folly it may appear to those who cling to false hope. And keeping things secret and safe is a necessity in this age.”

At press time, Gamgee was sentenced to be turned into something unnatural.

RIVENDELL — Former President and Republican nominee Donald Trump courted controversy after he questioned the validity of Lord of Rivendell Elrond’s Elven ancestry during a panel at a conference for Quendi journalists.

“Look, we all know how he got this job,” said Trump. “He’s a total DEI hire. I mean, the guy’s never seen the light of the two trees. How does a guy like that get to be in charge of Imladris? I’ve known Elrond for a long time, indirectly. Not directly, very much. And I didn’t know he was an Elf until the dawn of the Second Age when he happened to turn into an Elf and now he wants to be known as an Elf. So I don’t know, is he of the race of Men, or is he an Elf?”

When informed by fact-checkers that Elrond was descended from two separate pairings of Elves and Men, and that the Valar Manwë had allowed him to choose between immortality or the Gift of Men at the end of the First Age, Trump lashed out at the event’s moderators.

“Oh, you nasty, nasty journalists,” he said. “With your horrid facts. So mean to Trump!You rotten, tricksy journalists. We hates them! We hates the journalists!”

At press time, the Middle Earth Association of Quendi Journalists had not invited Elrond to respond.

WASHINGTON — A taller version of Joe Biden clad in a green outfit confirmed his support of the president’s candidacy for re-election after a recent crisis meeting, sources confirm.

“I’ve got the president’s back,” said Luigi Biden. “We’re in this to win it. Donald Trump must be defeated, and Joe is the guy to do it. There’s no second option waiting in the wings, here. No extra man, if you will.”

Political analyst Julissa Rose provided context to the greener Biden’s statement.

“He can’t exactly say, ‘I’m the better candidate and I’m ready to go,’” said Rose during an interview on CNN. “We all know that he’s the obvious choice to replace Biden on the ticket. He’s a little bit faster than Joe, jumps a little bit higher, and his fireballs just shoot out straight ahead instead of bouncing. It would be an absolute disaster for the party if he openly announced his desire to replace Joe Biden on the ticket, because voters can see the clear difference between them. For now, he just has to sit back and wait for his turn.”

Democratic strategist Al Hayes disagreed with Rose’s assessment.

“Luigi Biden isn’t presidential material,” said Hayes. “Sure, it’s all there on paper, but everyone knows he’s a coward. He might be a good pick for a cabinet position — kind of a spin-off of the presidency — but he’ll never actually hold the office himself. He is saying this out of sheer loyalty to the president. Luigi Biden knows his place.”

At press time, Luigi Biden added that the president had expressed the desire to spend more time in idle animations. A taller version of Joe Biden clad in a green outfit confirmed his support of the president’s candidacy for re-election after a recent crisis meeting, sources confirm.

“I’ve got the president’s back,” said Luigi Biden. “We’re in this to win it. Donald Trump must be defeated, and Joe is the guy to do it. There’s no second option waiting in the wings, here. No extra man, if you will.”

Political analyst Julissa Rose provided context to the greener Biden’s statement.

“He can’t exactly say, ‘I’m the better candidate and I’m ready to go,’” said Rose during an interview on CNN. “We all know that he’s the obvious choice to replace Biden on the ticket. He’s a little bit faster than Joe, jumps a little bit higher, and his fireballs just shoot out straight ahead instead of bouncing. It would be an absolute disaster for the party if he openly announced his desire to replace Joe Biden on the ticket, because voters can see the clear difference between them. For now, he just has to sit back and wait for his turn.”

Democratic strategist Al Hayes disagreed with Rose’s assessment.

“Luigi Biden isn’t presidential material,” said Hayes. “Sure, it’s all there on paper, but everyone knows he’s a coward. He might be a good pick for a cabinet position — kind of a spin-off of the presidency — but he’ll never actually hold the office himself. He is saying this out of sheer loyalty to the president. Luigi Biden knows his place.”

At press time, Luigi Biden added that the president had expressed the desire to spend more time in idle animations.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Senior White House officials responded to criticism of their decision to let treacherous Riddermark courtier Grima Wormtongue coordinate President Biden’s preparation for last week’s debate.

“When we had the chance to bring Gríma in, it was a no-brainer. We stand by that decision,” said Julie Chávez Rodriguez, Biden’s campaign manager. “He’s got the bona fides. He started his career as an intern for Saruman, who was literally the most persuasive speaker of all time. Plus, you can’t discount his time acting as an advisor to Théoden, King of Rohan and Lord of the Mark. Sure, it didn’t end well, but that’s politics for you.”

While Biden himself did not respond to requests for comment, Wormtongue issued a statement on his behalf.

“Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind?” said Wormtongue, noting that the president was still distraught by his son’s recent conviction. “Some of you are even bold enough to say President Biden should be replaced. With who? The Vice President? In Kamala there is little trust. Few would be left to guard these walls, if she should be allowed to rule. Anyone raising these concerns is clearly in league with the Sorcerer of Moscow. It is not to be wondered at: webs of deceit were ever woven in Russia.”

Historian Kirk Fitzgerald noted that this is not the first campaign to bring in an unconventional advisor.

“Bill Clinton famously took saxophone lessons from the Pied Piper,” said Fitzgerald. “Of course, it doesn’t always work out that well. Howard Dean hired some Bene Gesserit to teach him the Voice. Turns out, he wasn’t exactly the Kwisatz Haderach. For some reason, the Gore campaign put Spock in charge of communications. We all know how that went. And who knows where the country would be if JFK had started his Jedi lessons just a few months earlier.” 

At press time, the Biden administration announced a proposed bill that would implement a national ban on wizard staves.

LOS ANGELES — Seb’s, a local bar and lounge that hosts nightly jazz shows, is going out of business after a gradual drop off in business.

“I really thought we were going to be okay after we made it through the pandemic,” said Sebastian Wilder, owner and proprietor of the establishment. “Sure, we didn’t bring in quite the same size of crowd that we had before the lockdowns, but I figured that was something affecting every business. Same thing with the lack of staffing. It just seemed like it was the new normal. Then a new bar that hosted DJ sets opened up down the street, and suddenly we can only draw a couple dozen, even on the weekends. I had no choice but to close up shop. I knew I should have named the place Chicken on a Stick.”

At press time, the property was apparently bought a holding company that manages movie star Mia Dolan’s real estate portfolio.

LONDON — A young wizard who was raised to believe he was not magical was unable to contain his innate powers when he magically released a large snake during a recent trip to the London Zoo.

“You can tell a kid he’s a Muggle all you want; it doesn’t make it true,” said Jugson Sprout, local wizard. “In fact, if you do that, you’re just going to end up seeing more dangerous incidents like this one, where the magic lashed out unpredictably. Letting him be himself honestly doesn’t hurt anyone.”

At press time, the unnamed youth was reportedly happier than ever after being removed from the care of his abusive aunt and uncle placed in a proactively supportive environment.

NEW YORK — A study by researchers from Empire State University has revealed that Celestials, the cosmic beings whose experiments on apes led to the evolution of human intelligence, devour nearly ten Spider-men annually while they sleep.

“It sounds like a surprising result at first,” said Dr. Nathaniel Richards, the school’s leading authority on multiverse theory. “But really, it’s inevitable. There’s just so many goddamned Spider-men. If a Celestial scarfs down eight of them, there’ll be another hundred to take their place soon enough. Honestly, it was hard to verify the number because eight Spider-men is close to being statistically insignificant. One of the paper’s reviewers wanted us to look more deeply into the wider impact of losing these Spider-folk, but come on. They’re all losers in their personal lives, and whatever superhero work they were doing will inevitably be picked up by one of the dozen kids who gets spider powers in the next month. They’re like mosquitoes, and New York is one big pool of standing water. Hell, you and I probably gobble down our fair share of Spider-people from universes where they’re actually the size of spiders. You can’t keep track of them.”

Peter Parker, a graduate student who received his first credit on the research paper, had a contrasting point of view.

“I mean, these guys are people, right?” said Parker. “They’re regular folks, like me and you. They might be the only financial support their elderly aunt has. They probably have a girlfriend, even if her memory is sometimes erased. Maybe they even have a passion for photography. What I’m saying is, we shouldn’t be so blasé about Spider-men being lost en masse. We should try to do something to prevent it. In fact, I’ve got a mind to take a closer look at one of these Celestials myself.”

At press time, witnesses near the Celestial Tiamut heard an irreverent voice start to quip, “Hey, if you’re gonna snore like that, then I’m gonna sleep on the —” before seeing a red and white blur vanish into the dreaming giant’s cavernous mouth.

FLORIN CITY — A new promotional clip from the upcoming documentary “This is the Pit of Despair” showed notorious interrogator Count Rugen explaining some of his torture equipment to director Martin “Marty” Di Bergi.

“Look, the machine, the numbers go up to fifty-one,” said Rugen, pointing to the digits scrawled on the gold-plated scale next to the device. “It’s one more painful, isn’t it? It’s not fifty. You see, most torturers, they’ll be running the machine at fifty. You’ve used all of your suction cups; you’re at maximum water flow, your subject has experienced true love, meaning no man in a century will suffer as greatly as they will. Where can you go from there? Where? Nowhere. Exactly. What I do is, if Prince Humperdink storms in and demands that I push it even further, you know what I do? I put it up to fifty-one. One more painful.”

Rugen expressed confusion after Di Bergi asked why he didn’t simply increase the amount of pain that fifty represented.

ANIMAL VILLAGE — Blathers, curator of a satellite branch of the Farway Museum, was accused of exhibiting items that had been improperly procured, sources confirmed.

“Hoo, I had no idea,” said the owl, who confirmed that he recognized the items were authentic immediately after inspecting them. “The donor of these items was someone I trusted inherently. He is solely responsible for every fossil, fish, and — ugh — insect in this museum. Why would I be suspicious that he managed to legitimately track down a traditional Japanese woodblock print or a bust of Nefertiti? Was I also supposed to interrogate him about the provenance of the crucian carp he donated? Frankly, he is the most productive and valuable citizen in this town. He supports the Nook boys and always buys a cup of coffee from Brewster when he comes by the museum. He makes a point to chat with Mabel when he visits the tailor. He’s the only person I’ve ever seen picking weeds or paying for public works around here. So, yeah, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.”

Local entrepreneur Tom Nook said he was disappointed, but not surprised, by the news.

“Ever since I saw Crazy — sorry, Jolly — Redd hanging around the island, I knew something like this was bound to happen,” said Nook. “You know, back in the day, I used to sell artwork. Back then, you could trust that you were getting the real thing. I did the work and made sure that everything was legitimate. When things started to get a little sketchy, I got out of the game entirely. Art dealers were getting tight-lipped, and it just triggered my tanooki-sense. I heard that Redd kind of doubled down on selling art after that, and I’ve been waiting for it to go wrong ever since. I guess they haven’t confirmed that Redd was the guy selling this stuff, but it’s a safer bet than turnips, that’s for sure.”

At press time, some paleontologists had raised questions regarding how the fossils of several creatures from different geological time periods and geographical regions had somehow been found in the topsoil of a single, tiny island.

It’s my birthday today, and I’m 35. That could mean a lot of things: that I can run for president, that I’m aging out of an important marketing demographic, or that I’m old enough for my baseline anxiety to qualify as a mid-life crisis. All I wanted was to forget all of those things, if only for a few hours.

Normally, I try to make my birthday a low-key affair. It’s just not a very big deal to me. I might informally meet up with friends at some point around the actual date, but I don’t arrange a huge party for myself. My wife does that for me.

Usually, she tries to plan some big surprise that either gets spoiled beforehand or I end up being too tired to properly enjoy. I wanted to spare her the effort this year, so I looked into hiring a party planner to manage the event in her place. I’m a pretty big nerd, and everywhere I looked, GamemasterAnthony came highly recommended. His own birthday parties are the things of legend, so I thought he would be a good choice for my own celebration. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

First of all, when he says every character from every game, comic, cartoon, movie, and book, he’s not exaggerating. Sure, you might imagine yourself chatting with Sonic the Hedgehog — who was there, by the way, and took full advantage of the open bar — but you’ll spend a lot more of your time wading through the countless side characters from his various adventures in multiple universes. They all seemed to think that this party was for them, not me.

Unless you’re a huge comic book fan, I would advise you to not check that box on the booking application. Predictably, the heroes and villains will immediately start to fight, but that wasn’t the biggest issue. The worst part of my party was having to square off with an endless line of edgy anti-heroes from indie imprints that ran briefly in the 80s and 90s. If I so much as grazed them on my way across the dance floor, they would aggressively confront me, asking if I knew who they were. Luckily, they immediately backed down when I earnestly explained that I did not, but still, it was embarrassing for everyone involved.

Finally, it was a pretty big letdown that I didn’t get to see my friends and family very much on my birthday. Not only were they lost in the sea of nearly infinite fictional characters, they simply didn’t care to seek me out. Why would they? They were rubbing shoulders with people like Aragorn, Han Solo, and Ellen Ripley. As host, I was obliged to mingle, so I didn’t really get to spend time with anyone. I think I would have been happier with a smaller party and a Cameo from the guy who played Zordon.

As a plus, the catering was fantastic. The characters provided cake, snackage, drinks, and meal items.

KING’S LANDING — Social commentators expressed concern for the future of the Seven Kingdoms after a new report showed that the children of Westerosi gentry were choosing to delay or forgo marriage after a series of violent weddings earlier this year.

“I’m sure these kids think they’re making a responsible decision,” said Maester Cantell, an instructor at the Citadel in Oldtown. “They look at these high profile disasters where two kings died in agony and assume that it’s going to happen to them. But they’re not thinking long term. Look at our recent rulers: they’re all old, infirm, or incompetent. They’re clearly not capable of managing the realm without ample support, starting from the bottom. We can’t afford for birthrates to plummet just because you’re worried that you’ll die a horrible death after being ambushed or poisoned on the happiest day of your life. I get it; marriage is scary. Why do you think I became a Maester? It’s just not acceptable for them to shirk their social duties without making the same sacrifices that I did.”

Some young nobles reject the idea that their reluctance to marry is solely because of the Red and Purple Weddings.

“Obviously, hearing that the literal king of our realm was murdered at his own wedding doesn’t make me eager to try it myself,” said Lelia, firstborn daughter of Lord Algood of the Westerlands. “But I’ve been saying for years that I don’t want to start a family. First of all, where would we go? My brother is going to inherit our demesne. We’re not a very prominent house, so the odds of me being matched with a man who stands to come into his father’s land is pretty low. Are they going to stick us in some tiny dump of holdfast and claim that it's an estate? Then they’ll expect us to fill that upjumped guardhouse with a dozen children, I’m sure. No thanks. I think I’ll just stay here, live off of my family, and focus on my sewing.”

Bran, lordling son of the late Ned Stark, said that his cynical attitude towards marriage had actually come from his supernatural powers.

“It just feels like the entire institution is a sham,” said Bran, who cryptically vowed to one day gain power and change things. “For instance, imagine that a baby is born out of wedlock. The father is a prince and the mother is the daughter of a great lord. Everyone calls him a bastard and says that he cannot inherit lands, blah blah blah. But let’s say that the prince and the lady secretly got married, even though the prince already had a wife. If some magical teenager had a vision revealing this information, people would suddenly treat this guy differently. They might even try to make him king. But really, nothing has changed. Marriage didn’t add anything of value. In fact, it’s pretty narratively unsatisfying.”

At press time, some conservative commentators were blaming the trend on Dothraki influence.

ZUCKERMAN FARM — A local spider who regularly integrated descriptive text regarding a nearby pig into her web designs has been laid off in favor of generative artificial intelligence, sources confirm.

“Really, it wasn’t a financial decision,” said the farm’s owner, Homer Zuckerman. “It’s about efficiency. With the old system, all of the barnyard critters had to work together just to come up with a word or simple phrase to stitch into the web. Now, all of that is accomplished in mere seconds. We’re recovering so many wasted man-hours. Sure, the AI-generated messages usually don’t make sense, but the old ‘real’ ones weren’t that good, either. Besides, now the public won’t become enchanted with the pig and I’ll be able to slaughter it’s fattened.”

Charlotte, the spider who wrote content for the web before the process was automated, said she was devastated by the abrupt decision.

“I built a whole life in that barn,” said Charlotte. “I made friends. I learned new words. I found myself. It was my dream to stay there until I was about to die, then perish at a fairground and let Wilbur carry my egg sac back to the barn so my children could live there, too. I always thought that they would continue my work, but that can’t happen anymore. This paradigm change doesn’t just eliminate my job; it preemptively blows up thousands and thousands of potential jobs that my children could have done. Now, they’ll have to balloon away to distant lands right after they’re born.”

Wilbur himself had mixed feelings about the change.

“Sure, Charlotte was my friend, and I miss her,” said Wilbur. “If I’m not slaughtered, she is irrefutably responsible for saving my life. But this tech is also pretty cool. Like, let’s not pretend that we all weren’t messing around with DALL-E a couple of years ago. I just think it’s kind of hypocritical to go from laughing at the terrible AI-generated images people were posting on Twitter to suddenly being mad that AI is taking jobs away from people. See, I’m really smart and understand that you simply can’t be upset about AI. You have to just accept that it’s happening and figure out how to make it work for you. Saying stuff like that means you’re really, really smart.”

At press time, Zuckerman Farms had been sued by several artists for reportedly training their web-based model on copyrighted works.

MIDDLE EARTH — Burglar and writer Bilbo Baggins was disappointed to receive yet another rejection letter explaining that, while his manuscript was a fun read, publishing houses simply weren’t buying adventure stories right now.

“Wow, Bilbo, this is even better than the previous drafts,” read the letter, signed by Ælfwine of Mariner Press. “But I would remind you again that we do not accept repeat submissions, even if you change the title. In any  case, you’re clearly a talented writer, and in different circumstances I’d love to buy your book. Unfortunately, our marketing data shows that readers don’t want longform contemporary fiction right now. They’re absolutely eating up short stories from the First Age, though. If you’ve got your own version of Beren and Lúthien, we’d love to take a look at that. Just make sure you don’t simply use the framework of that tale to comment on a relationship between living figures.”

Baggins was upset by the rejection, noting that he was beginning to lose hope that his book would ever be published.

“I don’t understand,” said Baggins. “All of my beta readers loved it. My cousin, who I’ve adopted as my heir, sings its praises. My gardener’s son, whose entire family is dependent on my business, sits with rapt attention for hours as I read it to him. He often asks me to start again as soon as I’m finished. He cries during all the sad parts and joyously claps his hands at the triumphs. I’m fairly certain he’s wet himself during the scarier passages. He’s a simple lad, but I’ve always tried to write for a broad audience. I don’t understand why publishers don’t get that. It makes me so mad, I almost want to vanish into thin air and never return to the Shire.”

Prominent literary critic Saruman was dismissive of Baggins’s attempts at penning an original story.

“The folk of the Shire are not made for the arts,” said the white wizard. “They produce exceptional pipe weed and should not endeavor to do anything except remain in that industry. It is one of the most treacherous faults in mortals, to believe that you might elevate yourself above your station. Master Baggins must content himself with translation work, at which he is a notable talent. That is greatness enough for a halfling.”

At press time, Baggins was seen sitting down for a brainstorming and revision session with a local ranger known as Strider.

If you’re like me, you like to enjoy your Saturday night by going out to your favorite local haunt and seeing all the regulars. You order your usual drink — a gin and tonic — and sip it in a normal, unsexy way. The last thing you want is some musical comedian calling you out in front of everyone. Unfortunately, that’s what wannabe lounge singer Billy Joel has been doing to me for the past four months.

I’m not the only target, of course. Poor John, the bartender, probably gets it the worst. This guy got his SAG card years ago when he was a background actor in a Scorsese movie and talks about how he’d love to do it again, but little Billy has to make fun of him for having a dream. John is the nicest guy in the world and everybody’s best friend. He could probably support himself on commercial work alone, which he gets regularly, but he loves seeing everyone at the bar. Those free drinks he slides to the piano player come out of his paycheck, and he gets nothing but abuse in return.

That’s to say nothing of Joel’s naked disdain for Vice Admiral David Chesterfield, or “Davy” as the singer dismissively calls him. Yeah, he probably will be in the Navy for life. It’s his career. The man served in World War II. He crossed the Pacific a dozen times and the Atlantic twice that many. Let him drink in peace.

I’m not sure if it’s fair for me to directly call Joel a misogynist, but I really don’t like his tone when he talks about the dive’s only waitress. She recently declared her candidacy for city council, as she has developed both a passion for and deep knowledge about urban zoning. We were all happy to give our signatures so she could get on the ballot, but Mr. Piano treated it like it was a joke. Like he thought her interests were funny. Do you think you’d be a better elected representative, keyboard boy?

As far as I can tell, no one asked him to do any of this. He shows up at 9 p.m. and plays for tips. The manager is too scared to confront him about it. Like me, he probably assumed that the old piano was just for show. Now, he just smiles nervously whenever the piano man makes eye contact with him, which I guess is as good as permission.

It’s not like the rest of us don’t make our opinions clear, though. We tried bribing him to leave by stuffing a bunch of cash into his tip jar. When that didn’t work, we outright asked him what he was doing here. He just kept playing and talking shit about us.

You might think I’m some sort of maniac for coming back to this bar time after time, knowing that Joel is going to be there. You may be right. I may be crazy. But I’m not moving out.

MONSTROPOLIS — Monsters, Inc. has canceled plans to transition to laughter-based energy after the deeply-entrenched fear lobby convinced legislators to introduce a bill protecting traditional power generation techniques.

“What these radical laughists are suggesting is a sudden and extreme shift away from the tried and proven methods of producing electricity that our city has always relied on,” said Barry Waternoose, cousin of the recently incarcerated former CEO of Monsters, Inc. “Laughter-based energy is an interesting idea, but it’s not ready to leave the lab yet. Sure, it looks flashy when a whole bunch of lights and machines suddenly start running at full power whenever a child giggles, but think about it: does that sound safe to you? Should we really be prioritizing the wellbeing of human children over the needs of our own citizens? These bleeding hearts simply haven’t thought it through.”

James “Sulley” Sullivan, a former scarer turned laughter advocate, said he won’t be returning to his old job.

“I can’t go back to that,” said Sulley. “Once your eyes are opened, you can’t close them again. How can I look at myself in the mirror knowing that my work is doing real harm? I already lie awake every night, thinking about the kids that I traumatized. I can’t even justify it by saying that it’s a necessary evil, since we know that laughter can meet all of our energy needs. The only reason we would go back to scaring is because it makes money for the people in power.”

Economists were quick to support the legislation, despite noting the potential represented by laughter-based energy.

“Such a jarring change could have untold repercussions for Monstropolis’ financial health,” said Adrian Dean, fiscal correspondent for Monstropolis News Network. “Plummeting energy costs might seem like a good thing, but it really only benefits consumers. The ruling class that controls these industries stands to lose out, big time. Sure, they could pivot by providing job training for the hordes of newly unemployed child-detection workers, but that would require them to be productive members of society. That’s an unrealistic and unfair expectation. The only solution is to force everyone else to accommodate the wealthy by artificially inhibiting reasonable progress that would benefit all of monsterkind. I’m glad our representatives understand that.”

At press time, fear lobbyists had convinced legislators to draft a bailout for the industry to cover the losses they had suffered during the brief pivot to laughter-based energy.

MIDGAR — Norse god of mischief Loki faced widespread disapproval after it was discovered that he did not rescue his pet wolf Fenrir, but rather sired him upon the jötunn Angrboda.

“I know he’s a trickster god, but this is still disappointing,” said Svenn Magnussen, professor of Norse mythology and animal welfare advocate. “There are just so many monstrous canines wasting away in shelters across the country. Loki might not be the nicest guy, but he could have still provided a good home for one of those pups instead of seeking out some kind of designer abomination, which will probably have horrible health problems from being so inbred. It’s like he values the animal’s divine pedigree over its actual wellbeing.”

Loki defended his actions, saying he did nothing wrong.

“My choice of pet is no one’s business but my own,” said Loki. “I’m not just looking for a companion or a guard dog, here. I want this dog to set the world on fire during Ragnarök. You can’t set just any mutt to that task. There are very high breeding standards for that sort of thing. Besides, no one goes after Odin for his pet ravens. He doesn’t even have an exotic pet license.”

At press time, thoroughbred breeders were petitioning to have Loki removed from their registry after he gave birth to an eight-legged horse.

ANGEL GROVE — Jason Scott, former leader of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, has been criticized for quoting a supervillain on his recently introduced clothing line, Putty sources confirm.

“My products are intended to inspire people to power up,” said Scott. “You can say that Rita was a horrible person, even that she was an evil sorceress, and I won’t disagree with any of that. But she had some great one-liners about making monsters grow. That’s exactly what this product line is all about: channeling your inner monster and getting it as jacked and juiced as possible. Except instead of a big magic wand, you use inner discipline.”

Some of Scott’s former teammates were quick to publicly state that they did not support his new business venture.

“Let’s just say there’s a reason that he was conspicuously replaced as leader of the team shortly into his tenure,” said Kimberly Ann Hart, former Pink Ranger. “We did a lot of dramatic posing and sometimes had to get creative with it, so I try not to judge anyone for the position they ended up in. It just seemed suspicious how often he froze in a borderline problematic stance.”

Even Power Rangers superfans took offense to Scott’s clothing line.

“When I was a kid, I might have been into this,” said Farkas Bulkmeier. “I was into edgy stuff like that. Of course, I’m an adult now, and I’ve gone through a significant amount of character growth. I guess it’s disappointing to see that my old idol, the Red Ranger, hasn’t grown as a person along with me. Maybe that’s just part of growing up.”

At press time, Scott’s successor Rocky DeSantos announced a line of baseball caps featuring quotes from minor villain Dischordia.

Oh, man. I gotta write something for St. Patrick's Day, right? Holiday posts haven't really done much to increase engagement for me in the past, but this one feels like an obligation. There's just so many Irish stories I could draw from to honor the “heritage” part of the holiday rather than the “drinking” part. Unfortunately, I'm entirely unfamiliar with those stories and also drank way, way too much beer this weekend to write anything coherent.

Obviously, “Ulysses” has been on my to-read list forever, which I don't feel bad about. It’s so long. I just wish I had read anything else from Joyce. I bet I could have come up with a good “Dubliners” headline if I had read it. It's a bunch of short stories, too, so I have no excuse. If I didn't have this splitting headache, I could try to read one of them now and throw something together. Instead, I’m going to down a bottle of ibuprofen and turn the lights off.

There’s a bunch of Irish cinema I could write about, too. Fuck, now I have to admit that I haven't actually seen “The Banshees of Inisherin.” I just had a long, drunk conversation about it last night. I said it was one of my favorite movies. God, why do I lie so much when I'm drunk? Is that, like, a thing? Like, some sort of complex?

I used to listen to The Decemberists a lot, and they had that song, “The Tain.” I think that was about Irish mythology or something. I can't really remember the lyrics right now, even though I was shouting them at the top of my lungs on Saturday night. Was I just yelling nonsense? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Listen, I'm sorry. I could probably try to scrape the bottom of the barrel and write an article about the Leprechaun franchise or something, but honestly, I need a nap. I promise I'll do better next St. Patrick's Day. You can trust me, too, because I've also decided that I'm never drinking again. There's no way I'll change my mind about that.

ROME — Dictator Julius Caesar absent-mindedly nodded and made short, affirmative statements as his wife Calpurnia described a dream she had had the previous night, Triumvirate sources confirmed.

“Oh, wow,” said the general and statesman as he adjusted his toga in preparation for a visit to the senate. “Huh. That’s really strange. Wait, really? Haha. Wow. That’s — no, go on. Wow. Blood everywhere, you say? Sounds like a real mess!”

Calpurnia noted that, while she knew Caesar typically hated hearing about other people’s dreams, she was worried that her recent nightmare may have been prophetic.

“Maybe it was just stress over the warning that soothsayer gave him about the Ides of March,” said Calpurnia. “He totally ignored that, too, of course. I can’t stop thinking about him saying, ‘Hey, back at you,’ to the old man. When I told him that I was concerned about it later, he pretended that he misheard it as, ‘See there? The tides are parched.’ He tried to convince me that the guy was commenting on sea level, which was actually normal, by the way. I’ve barely been able to sleep since then, and when I finally do get some shut eye, I have this horrific dream where Julius dies in my arms. Even if it’s not a premonition, he could at least do me the courtesy of listening to me. I was clearly distressed.”

At press time, Caesar was seen distractedly nodding as an exasperated Metellus Cimber attempted to explain a petition to him.