LOS ANGELES — Seb’s, a local bar and lounge that hosts nightly jazz shows, is going out of business after a gradual drop off in business.

“I really thought we were going to be okay after we made it through the pandemic,” said Sebastian Wilder, owner and proprietor of the establishment. “Sure, we didn’t bring in quite the same size of crowd that we had before the lockdowns, but I figured that was something affecting every business. Same thing with the lack of staffing. It just seemed like it was the new normal. Then a new bar that hosted DJ sets opened up down the street, and suddenly we can only draw a couple dozen, even on the weekends. I had no choice but to close up shop. I knew I should have named the place Chicken on a Stick.”

At press time, the property was apparently bought a holding company that manages movie star Mia Dolan’s real estate portfolio.

FLORIN CITY — A new promotional clip from the upcoming documentary “This is the Pit of Despair” showed notorious interrogator Count Rugen explaining some of his torture equipment to director Martin “Marty” Di Bergi.

“Look, the machine, the numbers go up to fifty-one,” said Rugen, pointing to the digits scrawled on the gold-plated scale next to the device. “It’s one more painful, isn’t it? It’s not fifty. You see, most torturers, they’ll be running the machine at fifty. You’ve used all of your suction cups; you’re at maximum water flow, your subject has experienced true love, meaning no man in a century will suffer as greatly as they will. Where can you go from there? Where? Nowhere. Exactly. What I do is, if Prince Humperdink storms in and demands that I push it even further, you know what I do? I put it up to fifty-one. One more painful.”

Rugen expressed confusion after Di Bergi asked why he didn’t simply increase the amount of pain that fifty represented.

KING’S LANDING — Social commentators expressed concern for the future of the Seven Kingdoms after a new report showed that the children of Westerosi gentry were choosing to delay or forgo marriage after a series of violent weddings earlier this year.

“I’m sure these kids think they’re making a responsible decision,” said Maester Cantell, an instructor at the Citadel in Oldtown. “They look at these high profile disasters where two kings died in agony and assume that it’s going to happen to them. But they’re not thinking long term. Look at our recent rulers: they’re all old, infirm, or incompetent. They’re clearly not capable of managing the realm without ample support, starting from the bottom. We can’t afford for birthrates to plummet just because you’re worried that you’ll die a horrible death after being ambushed or poisoned on the happiest day of your life. I get it; marriage is scary. Why do you think I became a Maester? It’s just not acceptable for them to shirk their social duties without making the same sacrifices that I did.”

Some young nobles reject the idea that their reluctance to marry is solely because of the Red and Purple Weddings.

“Obviously, hearing that the literal king of our realm was murdered at his own wedding doesn’t make me eager to try it myself,” said Lelia, firstborn daughter of Lord Algood of the Westerlands. “But I’ve been saying for years that I don’t want to start a family. First of all, where would we go? My brother is going to inherit our demesne. We’re not a very prominent house, so the odds of me being matched with a man who stands to come into his father’s land is pretty low. Are they going to stick us in some tiny dump of holdfast and claim that it's an estate? Then they’ll expect us to fill that upjumped guardhouse with a dozen children, I’m sure. No thanks. I think I’ll just stay here, live off of my family, and focus on my sewing.”

Bran, lordling son of the late Ned Stark, said that his cynical attitude towards marriage had actually come from his supernatural powers.

“It just feels like the entire institution is a sham,” said Bran, who cryptically vowed to one day gain power and change things. “For instance, imagine that a baby is born out of wedlock. The father is a prince and the mother is the daughter of a great lord. Everyone calls him a bastard and says that he cannot inherit lands, blah blah blah. But let’s say that the prince and the lady secretly got married, even though the prince already had a wife. If some magical teenager had a vision revealing this information, people would suddenly treat this guy differently. They might even try to make him king. But really, nothing has changed. Marriage didn’t add anything of value. In fact, it’s pretty narratively unsatisfying.”

At press time, some conservative commentators were blaming the trend on Dothraki influence.

MONSTROPOLIS — Monsters, Inc. has canceled plans to transition to laughter-based energy after the deeply-entrenched fear lobby convinced legislators to introduce a bill protecting traditional power generation techniques.

“What these radical laughists are suggesting is a sudden and extreme shift away from the tried and proven methods of producing electricity that our city has always relied on,” said Barry Waternoose, cousin of the recently incarcerated former CEO of Monsters, Inc. “Laughter-based energy is an interesting idea, but it’s not ready to leave the lab yet. Sure, it looks flashy when a whole bunch of lights and machines suddenly start running at full power whenever a child giggles, but think about it: does that sound safe to you? Should we really be prioritizing the wellbeing of human children over the needs of our own citizens? These bleeding hearts simply haven’t thought it through.”

James “Sulley” Sullivan, a former scarer turned laughter advocate, said he won’t be returning to his old job.

“I can’t go back to that,” said Sulley. “Once your eyes are opened, you can’t close them again. How can I look at myself in the mirror knowing that my work is doing real harm? I already lie awake every night, thinking about the kids that I traumatized. I can’t even justify it by saying that it’s a necessary evil, since we know that laughter can meet all of our energy needs. The only reason we would go back to scaring is because it makes money for the people in power.”

Economists were quick to support the legislation, despite noting the potential represented by laughter-based energy.

“Such a jarring change could have untold repercussions for Monstropolis’ financial health,” said Adrian Dean, fiscal correspondent for Monstropolis News Network. “Plummeting energy costs might seem like a good thing, but it really only benefits consumers. The ruling class that controls these industries stands to lose out, big time. Sure, they could pivot by providing job training for the hordes of newly unemployed child-detection workers, but that would require them to be productive members of society. That’s an unrealistic and unfair expectation. The only solution is to force everyone else to accommodate the wealthy by artificially inhibiting reasonable progress that would benefit all of monsterkind. I’m glad our representatives understand that.”

At press time, fear lobbyists had convinced legislators to draft a bailout for the industry to cover the losses they had suffered during the brief pivot to laughter-based energy.

ANGEL GROVE — Jason Scott, former leader of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, has been criticized for quoting a supervillain on his recently introduced clothing line, Putty sources confirm.

“My products are intended to inspire people to power up,” said Scott. “You can say that Rita was a horrible person, even that she was an evil sorceress, and I won’t disagree with any of that. But she had some great one-liners about making monsters grow. That’s exactly what this product line is all about: channeling your inner monster and getting it as jacked and juiced as possible. Except instead of a big magic wand, you use inner discipline.”

Some of Scott’s former teammates were quick to publicly state that they did not support his new business venture.

“Let’s just say there’s a reason that he was conspicuously replaced as leader of the team shortly into his tenure,” said Kimberly Ann Hart, former Pink Ranger. “We did a lot of dramatic posing and sometimes had to get creative with it, so I try not to judge anyone for the position they ended up in. It just seemed suspicious how often he froze in a borderline problematic stance.”

Even Power Rangers superfans took offense to Scott’s clothing line.

“When I was a kid, I might have been into this,” said Farkas Bulkmeier. “I was into edgy stuff like that. Of course, I’m an adult now, and I’ve gone through a significant amount of character growth. I guess it’s disappointing to see that my old idol, the Red Ranger, hasn’t grown as a person along with me. Maybe that’s just part of growing up.”

At press time, Scott’s successor Rocky DeSantos announced a line of baseball caps featuring quotes from minor villain Dischordia.

TATOOINE — Scavenger-turned-Jedi Rey Skywalker said that she is thrilled with her new adopted last name, noting that it carries with it slightly less scorn than her previous surname.

“I spent most of my life as a loner, with no family name at all,” said Skywalker. “Back then, I thought that was the worst possible fate. I prayed for someone to give me an official last name, even if it was just a lame joke about how I was all by myself. Then, when I found out I was really a Palpatine, things actually didn’t improve for me at all. In fact, they got much, much worse. People hated me the moment I introduced myself. That still happens with my new name, but every now and then I’ll get someone who shrugs and says, ‘I guess his kids were all right.’”

The Force ghost of Luke Skywalker praised Rey’s positive attitude.

“I think that’s a great mindset to have,” said the late Jedi master. “I could never see the bright side of it like that. I know everyone thinks I fled to the middle of nowhere and lived as a disgusting hermit because I was ashamed of how I treated my nephew Ben, but it was really because I couldn’t deal with this last name. I mean, my father committed multiple genocides. Being a Skywalker made forming relationships just about impossible. Think about it: if you get a friend request from Paul Hitler, you don’t click ‘accept.’”

Some of Rey’s friends were perplexed by her decision.

“I don’t want to act like I’m judging her for taking a new name. That’s what I did when I got married,” said Finn Dameron. “In fact, I even chose my first name long before that, with the help of my future husband. Of course, both of these names are meaningful to me. What connection does Rey have to the Skywalker family, really? She spent a weekend at Luke’s hideaway and trained on obstacle courses while Leia barely paid attention. I don’t see how that qualifies her to inherit their legacy. She could have easily picked something unique and blazed her own trail.”

At press time, a formerly enslaved stablehand from Canto Bight announced that he was taking on the name “Mace Windu But Even Cooler And More Powerful.”

The atmosphere at Holsten’s can’t be beat. Even if the guy who agreed to meet you at the place doesn’t show up for some reason, rest assured: you’re going to enjoy yourself. Unpretentious and casual, you can be sure that they’ll have your favorite song on the jukebox, so you can relax as you wait for your family to join you for dinner.

Don’t skip any courses at Holsten’s. You might worry that ordering onion rings will spoil your appetite, but they’re so good, you have to take that risk. In fact, I’m munching on some right no—

SPARTA — Leonidas I, co-ruler of Sparta, held a press conference to denigrate the approaching Persian forces as “woke,” very loud sources confirmed.

“I’ll tell you, these Persian soldiers spend more time training in DEI than they do training with spears,” said the Spartan king. “They say that diversity is a strength, but I say strength is a strength. I’d rather have our soldiers with their big muscles than these so-called Immortals in their scary masks. And they’ve got more genders than you can count. The only thing they have more of than genders is languages. You know they speak a half dozen languages in that empire? And if they win, they’re going to make you learn all of them. It’s terrible.”

Persian emperor Xerxes I disagreed with Leonidas’ assessment.

“Our warriors are as well-trained and well-equipped as any modern military,” said Xerxes. “I’ve seen all sorts of propaganda claiming that our fighters are all sorts of unspeakable things — cowards, weaklings, giant mutants with swords for arms — but the thing that sticks in my craw is when he calls them slaves. I mean, sure, our empire has dabbled in slavery. I won’t deny that. But the Spartans invented a whole new way of life based around the institution. Don’t sneer at us about it when the helots do all of your work.”

Iosif Koumpono, leader of the Spartan government council known as the ephors, also disputed Leonidas’s claims.

“Look, Jack,” said the elderly Koumpono, “let me be clear: Sparta will not enter into a war with Persia. This Leonidas guy is out of his mind. We can’t — we can’t. Created, created hundreds of jobs. For Spartans. And inflation. I’m tired, man. I’m so very tired.”

At press time, Leonidas was seen screaming that he had won the Battle of Thermopylae as innumerable Persian soldiers overwhelmed his 300 Spartans.

WASTELAND — Piccolo, a Namekian expatriated to Earth, reunited with his closest relatives by sitting quietly and communing with their consciousnesses as they lived inside of him, fortune telling sources confirm.

“I guess it was nice to see everyone again,” said Piccolo. “But it was getting a little bit crowded for me. I expected to see Kami, of course, since he is literally just another aspect of me. I was a little caught off when Nail showed up, though. I guess we’re, like, distant cousins or something. Maybe he just felt awkward because he kind of has to hang out here since I absorbed him when we fused. Oh, well. At least Kami and him got along, so they mostly left me alone. That was nice.”

Kami, the other half of the being known only as the Nameless Namekian, had a different impression of the event.

“I think we should do this more often,” said Kami. “Sure, Nail and I talk almost every day, but Piccolo usually ignores us. It was nice to have some variety for once, even if he pretty much still ignored us. We got him to play one round of Yahtzee, which he lost. He just sulked after that. Pity, I was hoping to convince him to take us on a pilgrimage to New Namek to have a proper reunion with the extended family.”

Dende, the Namekian who replaced Kami as the Earth’s guardian, noted that he couldn’t help but take offense at his exclusion from the gathering.

“The Nameless Namekian was from the Dragon Clan, just like me,” said Dende, as he watched the reunion from his lookout high above the planet. “That basically makes us cousins. He could have at least sent me an invitation. Mr. Popo lost his patience with me because I kept asking him to double-check the mailbox. Am I being crazy, here? I’m the only other Namekian for light-years. It feels like it has to be an intentional snub, right?”

At press time, Piccolo was overheard mumbling that Gohan’s invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.

MONSTER ISLAND — Following a series of false starts and missteps, the world’s giant monsters concluded their recent summit by enacting a treaty that calls for an immediate halt to the use of nuclear-based energy beams as weapons.

“This represents an enormous step forward for both kaiju-kind and the entire world,” said King Kong, who led the initiative to nix breath weapons. “Future generations will look back on this conference as the moment that reason prevailed over brute strength. It’s not controversial at all to say that those kaiju possessing nuclear breath haven’t exactly been responsible with the use of that awesome power. Simple skirmishes often resulted in the severe irradiation of hundreds of square miles, sometimes heavily populated. This preliminary action is the first step to more extensive sensible regulation, leading to a healthier and more peaceful planet.”

Godzilla, king of the monsters and leader of the opposition to the ban, criticized the body’s decision.

“The ban is a short-sighted action that could very well spell doom for us all,” said Godzilla. “First of all, it only binds those who are party to the agreement. Xiliens and other extraterrestrials will face no such restrictions, and I assure you they will not handicap themselves out of a sense of fair play. Plus, the percentage of kaiju using nuclear-based powers is already relatively small. You’ll see far more attacking population centers with laser or gravity beams, which this treaty does not bar. How am I supposed to defend the earth from King Ghidorah with one hand tied behind my back? Does Kong think he’s up to the task? Please.”

One human being who lived in an area frequently affected by kaiju attacks indicated that he appreciated the nuances of the situation but still had a firm opinion. 

“Please make it stop,” said Akihiro Miyawaki, 67, who has survived dozens of monster incursions over the course of his life. “Please, God, make them stop. Kill them. Kill the monsters. Or me. You can kill me, too. Please. Just make it end.”

At press time, some monsters accused Godzilla of skirting regulations by continuing to use his nuclear breath weapon inside the Hollow Earth, which he claims is not covered by the treaty.

LONDON — Multinational tech company Weyland-Yutani has encountered unforeseen difficulties while developing products from the acidic blood of a dangerous alien creature discovered in the cold recesses of space.

“I don’t know what the hell they want us to do with this stuff,” said Oliver Avery, senior researcher and product development lead. “It just burns right through anything you try to put it in besides a xenomorph itself. It’s not even useful as a caustic agent because there’s no way to contain it. Speaking of containment, the aliens keep breaching it. Every morning meeting, management asks us for updates. We tell them how many lab techs were killed by the xenomorphs since the last meeting. They don’t even blink. They just keep saying, ‘there’s got to be a way to make money from this.’”

Michael Bishop, senior executive of Weyland-Yutani’s bioweapons division, defended the enormous amount of resources that the company had allocated for xenomorph-related products.

“Honestly, it just seemed like a neat challenge,” said Bishop. “I mean, aliens that bleed acid and have a tiny little extra mouth inside their mouth? That’s so bizarre. There’s absolutely no demand for anything like that in the market. But, frankly, I’m bored, and it takes a lot to entertain me. My last project was designing perfectly life-like androids that look exactly like me, so a Rubik’s cube isn’t going to hold my attention, if you get me. Finding a way to make a profit off of these extraterrestrial monsters is like my Wordle.”

Market analyst Kim Donahue said she was bullish about the prospects of xenomorph-derived products.

“Anything Weyland-Yutani touches turns to gold,” said Donahue, who has vacationed with Weyland-Yutani CEO Hideo Yutani and is set to release a biography of the tycoon later this year. “They’ve spent years and billions of dollars trying to get their hands on this mysterious alien life form, so they must have something up their sleeve. They’ll figure out a use for acid blood, whether it’s for military applications, space exploration, or to burn holes in the ground for their revolutionary new underground transport system. I expect their share prices to skyrocket over the next two quarters.”

Weyland-Yutani responded to a press inquiry regarding this story with an auto-generated message containing only a facehugger emoji.

By now, we’re all familiar with the story of Wesley, the daring farm boy who returned from certain death to save his true love from being murdered by the treacherous Prince Humperdinck. It’s a very nice story: the rustic, innocent lovers reuniting and triumphing over the wicked monarch — what’s not to like? It’s all so neat and tidy. At least, that is, if you take the tale at face value.

What do we really know about Wesley, though? Where exactly has he been all these years? Credible reports had him dead at the hands of pirates soon after he set to sea in the first place. When he reappeared, Wesley had a convenient alibi to explain his reputed death: the famous Dread Pirate Roberts had made an exception of him, in stark contrast to his unyieldingly strict reputation. 

That detail alone should be enough to raise suspicion. Are we certain that this supposed revenant was actually Wesley? Would it not make more sense that Buttercup’s first thought was correct, and the masked man was actually Roberts himself? After all, he only “revealed” his identity after Buttercup managed to assault him and escape his custody.

In this matter, we have no choice but to accept the Princess’s revised testimony that the mysterious figure actually was her long lost love. She is the only living person who knew this simple farm boy before his disappearance. Of course, if we believe Wesley’s story, that only incriminates him further. He says that he somehow managed to be promoted to captaincy and assumed the role of the Dread Pirate himself. 

Now, some of you may wonder why he did not reject the offer so that he could return to his dear Buttercup before her engagement to the duplicitous Humperdinck, which is a fair question. Wesley impugned the Princess’s faithfulness for accepting another’s proposal when, by all accounts, he was dead. Why would he think it was okay for him to go pleasure cruising around the world while his love languished at home? At best, he’s a massive hypocrite.

I, however, have a darker query. In none of his testimony does Wesley dispute the fact that the Dread Pirate Roberts kills all of his captives — with himself being the notable sole exception. He has never once claimed that he changed this policy during his time holding the title of Dread Pirate. He even uses this reputation to his advantage while storming the castle gates to rescue Buttercup, implying that he has, indeed, carried on this violent tradition.

How many innocent lives has Wesley taken? How much blood has he spilled while the woman he claims to love mourned for him? He certainly didn’t become a master swordsman, formidable wrestler, or deft poisoner by showing mercy. Did he really rescue his true love from a miserable life, or did he come ashore for amorous plunder, leaving a trail of bloodshed in his wake? We may never know.

SWAMP — Local ogre Shrek was not appeased by a land acknowledgement statement delivered by Lord Farquaad after the latter annexed the former’s swampland home, fairytale sources confirm.

“This is my swamp,” said the ogre, who noted that he had clearly staked his claim with abundant visible signage. “I don’t care how much Farquaad says he respects me as a ‘steward of the land,’ he’s still stealing my home. Am I supposed to be grateful? This isn’t some complex, onion-like issue. It’s my property being taken from me, and Farquaad knows it. Acting all nice after the fact doesn’t change anything for my situation, it just helps him mask his guilt. If he wants to feel better about himself, he could at least donate to a reputable charity that helps displaced fairytale creatures. His words are worthless.”

Lord Farquaad defended his actions following Shrek’s rebuke.

“I must admit, I am injured by the ogre’s remarks,” said the Lord of Duloc. “I have been nothing but kind and fair to him. Before I took over management of that swamp, it was a mess. It was filled with mud and didn’t even have indoor plumbing. I haven’t changed anything, true, but I still feel as though I’m entitled to look down on him for that. And now, he rejects my message, given in the spirit of friendship, acknowledging that he happened to live here before I claimed the land as my manifest destiny? He truly is a monster.”

Various other magical and mythical beings shared similar stories of being displaced from their homelands by Duloc’s empirical expansion.

“My brothers and I needed shelter,” said Heimlich, a pig of notably small stature. “No one was using the land. We built houses and lived there for years before Farquaad kicked us out. When we took this injustice to the press, he brought up a previous conflict between ourselves and a local wolf. He tried to say that since we had defended ourselves against the wolf, we had no right to complain about his aggressive conquest of our home. He really thought our past actions exonerated his own actions, even though there was no connection between the two.”

At press time, Duloc faced further criticism after introducing several new sports teams, all named after fairytale creatures.

GOTHAM CITY — Several prominent mob bosses sat in enchanted silence before breaking into spirited speculation after the Joker performed a magic trick for them at a recent meeting, giggling sources confirmed.

“It was a great trick. It just about knocked us out,” said mafioso Sal Maroni. “In fact, it did knock one of us out. One of Gambol’s guys volunteered to join the Joker as an assistant for the trick. He got a close-up view, and he was so amazed that he collapsed on the spot! Lucky for him, he didn’t miss anything. We were all asking for more, but the Joker ended the show right there. I guess that’s the hallmark of a great showman, right? Always leave them wanting more.”

The Joker refused to explain how he performed the illusion, despite dozens of inquiries during and after the show.

“As I’ve already explained, if you’re good at something, never do it for free,” said the Joker. “I guess I thought it went without saying that you also shouldn’t teach someone else how to do it for free. I worked very hard to stage this show, so I need it to have some staying power. I can’t keep designing new illusions just because the Chechen wants to know what happened to the pencil. Sure, it’s not exactly a showstopper, but you’ve got to have a couple of those close-up table gags in your jacket pocket, right next to all the grenades you keep in there.”

The Joker’s nemesis Batman vowed to reverse engineer the trick to learn how it was performed.

“I’m the world’s greatest detective. I will figure out how the Joker did this,” said Batman, who denied accusations that he was the infamous Masked Magician. “He may have used some kind of trick pencil. I’ve obtained a writing utensil used in the show and it’s currently being tested in my lab. I don’t think that’s how it was done, though. If it were me, I would have studied the mobsters and learned what each of them eat for breakfast every morning, then gained access to their kitchens. On the day of the show, I would have spiked their meals with a specially engineered Bat-hallucinogen that tricks people into believing that a pencil had disappeared. Too easy. Honestly, it’s kind of hack.”

At press time, the Joker debuted a brand new trick where he made a crooked banker and a pyramid of cash vanish behind a cloak of flames.

TATOOINE — Crime kingpin Jabba the Hutt threw a tantrum after his carbonite-encased prisoner Han Solo received a mediocre grade from collectibles ranking authority PSA, Twi’lek sources confirmed.

“This is an outrage! Solo is in mint condition!” roared the Hutt, accidentally knocking a Gamorrean guard into a dangerously-placed Rancor pit in his rage. “They said the lights on the control panel were ‘weathered,’ but I literally got it shipped directly from the manufacturer. I used a well-respected courier service. It’s not weathering; it’s an intended effect! They also claimed that the subject himself had been somehow damaged, as he was supposed to be bound in handcuffs, but that clearly must have happened on Bespin! If anything, that makes it a rare misprint and it should be worth even more.”

Lando Calrissian, administrator of the mining facility where Solo was preserved in carbonite, denied blame for any and all of Jabba’s complaints.

“Hey, man, I can’t speak for what PSA is looking for, but I think we did pretty darn well considering that Han survived the process,” said Calrissian, who was dressed identically to Solo’s frozen form. “I’m into cards, sure, but not those kinds of cards, if you know what I mean. I’ll sit down to play a game of Sabacc, maybe even Pazaak, but I’ve seen those carbonite tournaments. They’re just not really my scene. Kind of nerdy. Sure, there’s plenty of folks wearing capes, but they don’t pull it off like I do.”

Boushh, a local carbonite enthusiast and bounty hunter, said they are still willing to make a deal for Solo.

“I am currently in possession of a near-mint Wookiee,” said Boushh, who wore a conspicuous voice-modulating helmet. “Given their relatively low population — particularly since Kashyyyk’s occupation — I think it’s more than a fair trade for a grade 4 smuggler. It’s definitely a better offer than a couple of droids, like the deal Lu— I mean, like the deal that mysterious Jedi tried to make. Besides, Jabba will have to accept my terms, because I’m holding a thermal detonator.”

At press time, reports from Jabba’s palace indicated that an attempt to rescue Solo was foiled by the protective plastic sleeve surrounding his carbonite slab.

By now, we’re all familiar with the remarks President Bartlet addressed toward me in the Washington National Cathedral. While he and I personally resolved this dispute after I sent the ghost of his secretary to mediate, I would be remiss if I did not take the opportunity to respond publicly to the accusations he made about my conduct.

First, I can assure President Bartlet that I did not hit Dolores Landingham with a drunk driver. Believe it or not, that knowledge of good and evil all of your great-great-great-et-cetera grandparents just had to have comes with some strings attached. You’re now responsible for your own actions. Now, I know Mrs. Landingham didn’t do anything wrong, yet still had to suffer the consequences of someone else’s actions, which sucks. I’ll take the L on that one. 

In my omniscience, I could have designed some world where that didn’t need to happen. If anyone tells you that it was part of my “plan” or something, please understand that’s a load of shit. I’m all-knowing and all-powerful. If my plan somehow required a good person to die — boom, no it doesn’t. I wouldn’t be omnipotent if I was beholden to one specific set of predestined events that included the death of Mrs. Landingham. 

Same thing with the tender ship getting sunk. Same thing with the president’s multiple sclerosis, honestly. People are always saying things like how I give the toughest battles to my strongest warriors, or that I never give anyone more than they can handle, but that’s just not true. For some reason, I thought randomly distributing suffering was a really cool concept when I was creating the world. You know how things are when you’re starting a new project; you get kind of married to these inconsequential ideas even if they don’t really serve your goals or the central premise of your work. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

Now, the part about Josh being President Bartlet’s son — that’s a little weird, to be honest. I don’t think that’s how he sees the relationship, anyway. I try not to pry into people’s private thoughts, but hey, omniscience is a real bitch sometimes. Again, if I went back and did it all over, I would probably make it so that Josh didn’t get shot. And, to be clear, I could go back and do it all over. Once more, I am omnipotent. Still, even though I can see these little glitches popping up, I want to save the proposed revisions for the post-mortem. Let’s see how this world ends up before we make any big changes.

I would like to address the Latin portion of the rant, but unfortunately, my language skills are a little rusty. That “et cetera” I pulled out earlier in this piece is about all I have left.

Also, the cigarette was a bit much. Sure, it was disrespectful to me, but I’m really more concerned about the poor janitor who had to clean it up afterward. That really ruined his whole week.

Finally, now that President Bartlet has announced that he will be seeking re-election, let me be clear: I don’t want Hoynes. No one wants Hoynes.

OKINAWA, Japan — The ape-like extraterrestrials known as Simeons have pledged to conquer the earth by constructing a robotic copy of the monster Godzilla after their original mechanical clone was obliterated, cosmic sources have confirmed.

“Hey, it almost worked the first time,” said Mugal, the newly promoted supreme ruler of Black Hole Planet 3. “Mechagodzilla beat the shit out of Anguirus and fought Godzilla to a draw. Our plan would have been successful if it hadn’t been for that weird, haggard-looking rat-lion who teamed up with Godzilla. Even that fight was pretty close. I honestly thought the head-spinning reflector shield was going to do the trick. I think if we just make a new Mechagodzilla and maybe find another colossal dinosaur that we can somehow mind-control, we’ll be all set.”

Japan Self-Defense Forces General Susumu Fujita warned that the aliens’ plan might prove successful.

“We would have been helpless without Godzilla,” said Fujita. “Our maser cannons are totally useless against Mechagodzilla’s space titanium exterior. Frankly, those things are useless against pretty much everything. They’ve never actually repelled a monster. We just spent so much money on them that we feel obligated to use them. Now, all of the money we have left is being used to develop a shorter song to summon King Caesar. We’ll absolutely need him if another Mechagodzilla attacks, but we can’t afford to sit around for five minutes while some lady serenades him until he wakes up. The aliens will just zap her with a laser before she finishes next time.”

Some Japanese citizens weren’t as pessimistic about the potential return of the giant mecha.

“Oh boy! I sure hope Mechagodzilla returns,” said Ichiro Miki, 9. “It was so exciting to watch it fight with Godzilla and King Caesar. I think the best monster fights are the ones with robots. The regular monsters are cool, too, but it’s awesome how shiny and strong the robot ones are. I think they should get Jet Jaguar to fight Mechagodzilla. That would be incredible! Punch, punch, punch!”

At press time, the Simeons were again in retreat, promising to build yet another mechanical kaiju after their second Mechagodzilla had been defeated.

ISLA NUBLAR — Jurassic World, the island resort advertised the only place in the world where visitors can see real dinosaurs, responded today to a report revealing that most of their attractions possess a higher percentage of frog genes than previously disclosed.

“We started out just using a little bit to fill in the gaps in the genetic code,” said Henry Wu, the park’s head of research. “We were a little worried that people would notice that something was off, but they never did. It made sense: the animals were still almost entirely dino DNA, after all. But, well, we got carried away. As our source DNA started to decay, we began filling in larger and larger gaps. After a while, we stopped requiring authorization to use frog genes when creating an embryo. Before we knew it, the triceratops were catching flies with their tongues. It was only a matter of time before this information was made public.”

One guest said that he wasn’t surprised by the revelation.

“I was so excited to see dinosaurs,” said Jerry Damon, who said he had saved up for years to afford the trip. “But they all had these bulging eyes, especially the Troodons. I heard these strange hooting noises coming from behind some foliage and got my hopes up that I was about to encounter a dilophosaurus. Nope. Just a bunch of tree frogs. Plus, the velociraptors were way smaller than I expected. Seriously, they could fit in the palm of your hand and had slimy, green skin. They were really good jumpers, though.”

Paleontologist Alan Grant complained that the park’s poor quality control had negatively affected the general public’s understanding of the creatures he had spent his life studying.

“I’ve always said that the animals on that island are not dinosaurs,” said Grant. “It’s even more true than I thought. These amphibians are killing my field of work. It was already tough convincing donors to fund our digs before they thought there was an island where they could see a stegosaurus in the flesh. I had to go around begging universities for speaking opportunities just to get my name out there. Now, whenever I manage to land one, no one listens to my actual lecture. They just wait for the Q and A so they can ask me questions about frogs that I can’t answer. I hate that park.”

At press time, a further report contradicted Jurassic World’s claims that its animals were incapable of breeding after tadpoles were found in the Tyrannosaur paddock.

ASTORIA, Ore. — Freed killer whale Willy jumped back into the marina from which he escaped after experiencing firsthand just how polluted the Pacific Ocean had become, wet sources in the first few rows confirmed.

“I was just getting ready to pull in my net when I heard a splash,” said Carl Massey, a local fisherman who had been contracted to prevent the orca from escaping. “We had been paid up front and I wanted to get home, so I tried to pretend I didn’t see anything. Mr. Dial kept yelling at us to catch the whale, and I’d be like, ‘What whale? He’s long gone!’ That asshole dolphin didn’t make it easy, though. He kept jumping around and doing tricks. It’s hard to act like you don’t see a five-ton cetacean doing a double backflip twenty yards away from you.”

Jesse Greenwood, the troubled youth who trained Willy and later hatched the plan to release the whale into the wild, was troubled by the news.

“This is really, really bad,” said Jesse, who first encountered Willy while performing court-mandated community service at the aquatic park that housed the whale. “I thought it was unfair that I had to clean up the whole tank even though I had only done half of the graffiti. Now I’ll have to clean up the entire ocean, and it’s not my fault at all! I mean, I guess I’ve probably thrown a recyclable item into the trash, or forgot to cut up a six-pack ring after drinking soda, but I don’t think I should be responsible for the entire northern Pacific.”

Northwest Adventure Park employee Randolph Johnson, who was also Greenwood’s mentor and accomplice in whale theft, reported that he was at a loss for words.

“This is where I would normally be able to offer a little bit of hope by way of reciting a story from my people that related to the situation,” said Johnson, who is of Haida descent. “But honestly, I’m drawing a blank here. I’m pretty sure nothing like this ever happened back then. I’m not saying my ancestors were mystical stewards of the land, but we definitely didn’t put a giant patch of garbage that’s twice the size of Texas in the middle of the ocean. Call me pessimistic, but I don’t think we’ll be able to ‘salana ayun iasis’ our way out of this one.”

At press time, a despondent Willy was seen jumping back and forth over the jetty, apparently no longer comfortable either within the institution that confined him for years or in the natural habitat that now feels foreign to him.

NEBUCHADNEZZAR — Computer hacker and prophesied savior of mankind Neo had millions of out-of-date memes uploaded directly into his long-term memory after the Zion Council contracted Elon Musk’s Neuralink to handle humanity’s computer-brain interface needs.

“Whoa,” said Neo, immediately after having The Lonely Island’s “Like a Boss” permanently written into his hippocampus. “Or, I guess I should say, ‘Wow. Very fast. Such meme.’ Get it? Like Doge? Now I’ve got thousands of Doge image macros in my head, forever. I’ve got all the LOLcats, too. I’m certain that these memes will prove indispensable in our fight against the machines, who I now think are woke for some reason.”

Morpheus, Neo’s mentor and captain of the hovercraft Nebuchadnezzar, said that he was dissatisfied with the new system.

“I don’t understand what was wrong with the old interface,” said Morpheus. “Sure, it was hacked together and the UI wasn’t what anyone would call intuitive, but at least it was open source. We could dive in and see exactly what it was doing. Now whenever I jack in a new recruit to give them some combat training, they come out of it doing a terrible impression of Heath Ledger’s Joker. I don’t even want to talk about how everyone is now severely misinterpreting the meaning behind the red and blue pills. This whole thing has me feeling like Bad Luck Brian — see! It’s even poisoning my mind.”

Elon Musk, owner and founder of Neuralink, disputed Morpheus’s objections, saying his company’s technology was a perfect fit for the human resistance.

“I think Morpheus is just mad because I trolled him during my demo to the Zion Council,” said Musk. “He volunteered to be the test subject for a military jet training program, but when he jacked in, I just Rickrolled him instead. It was epic. He got all Grumpy Cat about it, but the council thought it was hilarious. Their sides were in orbit. Morpheus was all serious, saying that his crew depended on this tech for their survival. I said, ‘I used to be an operative like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee.’ That line didn’t just kill; it sealed the deal. Now every ship in the resistance uses Neuralink.”

At press time, Neo was overheard yelling, “This is Sparta!” as he kicked an Agent in the chest.