WASHINGTON — A taller version of Joe Biden clad in a green outfit confirmed his support of the president’s candidacy for re-election after a recent crisis meeting, sources confirm.

“I’ve got the president’s back,” said Luigi Biden. “We’re in this to win it. Donald Trump must be defeated, and Joe is the guy to do it. There’s no second option waiting in the wings, here. No extra man, if you will.”

Political analyst Julissa Rose provided context to the greener Biden’s statement.

“He can’t exactly say, ‘I’m the better candidate and I’m ready to go,’” said Rose during an interview on CNN. “We all know that he’s the obvious choice to replace Biden on the ticket. He’s a little bit faster than Joe, jumps a little bit higher, and his fireballs just shoot out straight ahead instead of bouncing. It would be an absolute disaster for the party if he openly announced his desire to replace Joe Biden on the ticket, because voters can see the clear difference between them. For now, he just has to sit back and wait for his turn.”

Democratic strategist Al Hayes disagreed with Rose’s assessment.

“Luigi Biden isn’t presidential material,” said Hayes. “Sure, it’s all there on paper, but everyone knows he’s a coward. He might be a good pick for a cabinet position — kind of a spin-off of the presidency — but he’ll never actually hold the office himself. He is saying this out of sheer loyalty to the president. Luigi Biden knows his place.”

At press time, Luigi Biden added that the president had expressed the desire to spend more time in idle animations. A taller version of Joe Biden clad in a green outfit confirmed his support of the president’s candidacy for re-election after a recent crisis meeting, sources confirm.

“I’ve got the president’s back,” said Luigi Biden. “We’re in this to win it. Donald Trump must be defeated, and Joe is the guy to do it. There’s no second option waiting in the wings, here. No extra man, if you will.”

Political analyst Julissa Rose provided context to the greener Biden’s statement.

“He can’t exactly say, ‘I’m the better candidate and I’m ready to go,’” said Rose during an interview on CNN. “We all know that he’s the obvious choice to replace Biden on the ticket. He’s a little bit faster than Joe, jumps a little bit higher, and his fireballs just shoot out straight ahead instead of bouncing. It would be an absolute disaster for the party if he openly announced his desire to replace Joe Biden on the ticket, because voters can see the clear difference between them. For now, he just has to sit back and wait for his turn.”

Democratic strategist Al Hayes disagreed with Rose’s assessment.

“Luigi Biden isn’t presidential material,” said Hayes. “Sure, it’s all there on paper, but everyone knows he’s a coward. He might be a good pick for a cabinet position — kind of a spin-off of the presidency — but he’ll never actually hold the office himself. He is saying this out of sheer loyalty to the president. Luigi Biden knows his place.”

At press time, Luigi Biden added that the president had expressed the desire to spend more time in idle animations.

ANIMAL VILLAGE — Blathers, curator of a satellite branch of the Farway Museum, was accused of exhibiting items that had been improperly procured, sources confirmed.

“Hoo, I had no idea,” said the owl, who confirmed that he recognized the items were authentic immediately after inspecting them. “The donor of these items was someone I trusted inherently. He is solely responsible for every fossil, fish, and — ugh — insect in this museum. Why would I be suspicious that he managed to legitimately track down a traditional Japanese woodblock print or a bust of Nefertiti? Was I also supposed to interrogate him about the provenance of the crucian carp he donated? Frankly, he is the most productive and valuable citizen in this town. He supports the Nook boys and always buys a cup of coffee from Brewster when he comes by the museum. He makes a point to chat with Mabel when he visits the tailor. He’s the only person I’ve ever seen picking weeds or paying for public works around here. So, yeah, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.”

Local entrepreneur Tom Nook said he was disappointed, but not surprised, by the news.

“Ever since I saw Crazy — sorry, Jolly — Redd hanging around the island, I knew something like this was bound to happen,” said Nook. “You know, back in the day, I used to sell artwork. Back then, you could trust that you were getting the real thing. I did the work and made sure that everything was legitimate. When things started to get a little sketchy, I got out of the game entirely. Art dealers were getting tight-lipped, and it just triggered my tanooki-sense. I heard that Redd kind of doubled down on selling art after that, and I’ve been waiting for it to go wrong ever since. I guess they haven’t confirmed that Redd was the guy selling this stuff, but it’s a safer bet than turnips, that’s for sure.”

At press time, some paleontologists had raised questions regarding how the fossils of several creatures from different geological time periods and geographical regions had somehow been found in the topsoil of a single, tiny island.

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Gorilla and kart racer Donkey Kong reportedly felt self-conscious about his choice of outfit at a recent Grand Prix, Lakitu sources confirm.

“I’m beginning to think that the tie is a little bit much,” said the ape. “No one else bothered to dress up at all. I mean, sure, Peach sometimes wears a dress, but even she started wearing a racing suit. Now she even dresses up like a cat, which, like, I’m not trying to look down on anyone’s hobbies, but have some respect for the sport. I’m not even sure why I’m like this. I guess I just want their respect. The first time we all did this, I showed up in a unitard and they ripped me to shreds. Ever since, I’ve had a chip on my massive simian shoulders. Maybe the tie is an attempt to cover that up.”

Mario, Kong’s long time rival-turned-friend, said he hadn’t even taken notice of the primate’s sartorial choices.

“I just thought-a that’s what he always-a wears,” said the plumber. “That’s-a what most of us-a do. I’m just-a glad it’s a professional and appropriate accessory. Don’t get-a me a-started on Bowser’s bondage cuffs-a. And that’s to say-a nothing about-a the Shy Guys. What are they-a thinking, wearing those-a masks? Are they-a going to an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’-a-style orgy after the race-a? It’s-a honestly quite a-distracting.”

Funky Kong, who refused to clarify his relationship to any other Kongs, said he had been vocal about his opinion on Donkey Kong’s choice of neckwear.

“It’s absolutely square,” said the more casual Kong, who kept noting that things just seemed to come more easily to him than the rest of his clan. “It’s stuffy. I’ve told D.K. a million times to lose the tie. You gotta feel loose when you’re on the track. Sure, the unitard wasn’t the right choice, but it was at least in the right direction. You gotta rock a tank on top with cutoffs below. That allows for maximum flexibility and airflow while also advertising that you’re a pretty laid back guy. No one wants to invite the dude in the tie to the post-race party.”

At press time, Donkey Kong was seen wondering aloud if his fashion choices were what cost him an invitation to Diddy Kong’s racing circuit.

PELICAN TOWN — Residents of a small community in Stardew Valley are pinning all of their hopes on a newly-arrived resident who has taken over a local farm despite having no previous agricultural experience, tiny forest sprites have confirmed.

“Those fields have lay fallow since his grandfather abandoned the farm decades ago,” said Lewis, the town’s mayor. “Come to think of it, that’s when our beloved Community Center started to fall into disrepair. It’s like the farm was the soul of Pelican Town, or something. Maybe this new kid can bring that spirit back and turn everything around for us. Hopefully he’s a gullible rube and we can sucker him into putting all of his best crops into restoring my dear, dear Community Center.”

One local business owner was similarly optimistic about the effect that the new farmer would have on the town.

“It’s good news for me, obviously, as the proprietor of a general store,” said Pierre. “Our economy was almost entirely structured around that farm, and it’s been in shambles ever since the old farmer left. I suppose I could have diversified my inventory away from seeds, but it looks like there will be no need, now. Marnie must be over the moon, too. Her ranch is a huge money sink. She only turns a profit when someone is regularly buying animals and medicine. Everyone in town is trying to get a piece of this kid. I saw Willy giving him a fishing pole, obviously in the hopes that he’d become a regular customer at the tackle shop.”

Morris, manager of the local JojaMart, said he was still unsure what to make of the new arrival.

“On the one hand, this explains why our market research on the town was telling us to stock up on seeds,” said Morris. “At least there’s someone around who will buy them, now. Still, we were kind of hoping that we would become the central economic pillar of Pelican Town, and we were very close to accomplishing that goal. This might throw a wrench into our plans. Of course, there’s always the chance that this guy is a gullible rube and we can sucker him into putting all of his gold into building a warehouse for us. That would be really nice.”

At press time, the fledgling farmer was reportedly earning most of his income by collecting and selling seashells.

GOLDENROD CITY — Johto’s highest court released a decision ruling that Pokémon eggs are to be legally classified as Pokémon themselves.

“Eggs take up spots in your party,” read the decision, written by Lance, the court’s Supreme Justice as well as Johto’s former champion. “They can be traded. They can be stored in a PC box. If I ask you, ‘What kind of Pokémon is in that egg?’ you can tell me. If it were ‘just’ an egg, how could you possibly know that? The destruction of an egg is murder, whether the perpetrator intentionally smashes it or if it just fell off of a bicycle being ridden in an endless circle while trying to get the egg to hatch.”

Pokémon trainers across the region were outraged by the decision.

“It’s absolutely absurd. You can’t even nickname eggs,” said Ethan, Johto’s reigning champion. “You can’t battle with them. They can’t hold items. You can’t even give them a nickname. I’ll believe that eggs are Pokémon when you can show me the Pokédex entry for ‘Egg.’ Pretending that a clump of cells next to a yolk is a living being, imbued with a soul, or sentience, or whatever you call it, is an insult to intelligent life everywhere.”

A Pokémon breeder, who asked to be identified only as “Day-Care Man” out of fear of prosecution, expressed concern that the ruling could put him out of business.

“Everybody knows what Pokémon get up to when they’re at the day-care,” said the Day-Care Man, who works alongside his wife. “That’s the entire point, right? You drop off your monsters, and they get busy. If it all goes well, I’ll have a little present to give you. What a lot of people don’t understand is that it doesn’t always go well. Eggs are fragile, and Pokémon are rowdy. We have our fair share of breakage. If the state now considers that murder, then I don’t see how we can continue to operate. I’ve heard there’s a day-care in Kanto that manages to stop their Pokémon from coupling, but they don’t do much business, if you understand me.”

At press time, liberal political parties in several regions were campaigning on promises of overturning the ruling through legislation, despite the fact that they have refused to do exactly that for fifty years.

PALLET TOWN — Local authorities are on the lookout for a strange man wearing a long coat who has allegedly been telling children that he will give them a Pokémon for free, sources confirm.

“Witnesses describe the suspect as an old man in a white coat,” said Jenny, a police officer from neighboring Viridian City. “He has been seen lurking near Route 1, waiting to ambush local children as they venture into the tall grass where they’ll be hidden from view. His motivations are currently unclear. It might be an attempt to lure these children away by offering them a cute pet. However, he may be trying to get these children hooked on Pokémon training, which is an expensive and debilitating habit that often destroys lives. I know that no parent wants their child to end up as some kind of weirdo who spends all of their time catching bugs. We need to teach our kids about stranger danger.”

One child’s account of his encounter with the mysterious man has some parents even more concerned.

“He walked up to me and asked me if I was a boy or a girl,” said Joey, a local youngster. “Then he complimented my shorts. He told me a world of dreams and adventures awaited me, as long as I followed him back to my house. He promised to give me my own Pokémon. I almost went with him, but he suddenly got all confused and stopped making sense. He asked me weird questions, like what his grandson’s name was. That’s when I ran away. He didn’t chase me.”

Pallet Town-based researcher and self-proclaimed “Pokémon Professor” Samuel Oak reassured an uneasy public, saying that there was most likely an innocent explanation for the anonymous man’s behavior.

“Perhaps he’s just a man with a dream. A crazy, brazen dream,” said Oak with a deep longing in his eyes. “The kind of dream that an adult could never comprehend. His only option would be to enlist local children to assist him with his mad dream. A dream as mad — and wonderful — as trying to catalog every single Pokémon in the entire world. I’m certain he means these children no harm. Most likely, he just wants to send them out into the world with only a level five Pokémon to defend themselves. A noble mission, indeed.”

At press time, local broadcasters had removed from their schedule a movie about four boys walking on railroad tracks after parents complained that it encouraged children to put themselves in unsafe situations.

BOO WOODS — Local residents gathered outside a municipal planning meeting to voice their disapproval of a proposed development project that aims to turn a local mansion into housing for low-income Boos.

“It’s just not right. That mansion is a historic landmark,” said Topher, a local Boo. “It has stood there for decades — if not centuries — entirely unchanged. It simply is the character of this neighborhood. Without the mansion, Boo Woods is just some generic haunted forest. And don’t give me this nonsense about it being too big to be a single-family home, or claim that it was just an illusion to trap Mario and his weird younger brother. I happen to know that a single family was happily living there before those bit-rate plumbers ruined everything. Sure, it was a large family, but that’s beside the point. They were one big family.”

Topher’s neighbor and self-proclaimed progressive, Clarence, professed to have more practical objections to the project.

“I’m sympathetic to those who are having difficulty finding housing, but this isn’t the solution,” said Clarence. “The problem isn’t housing, it’s economic inequality. Even if you divide the mansion into multiple units, do you think those spaces will go to local Boos? No, they’ll be snatched up by outsiders from the Mushroom Kingdom. I’m not saying I don’t trust out-of-towners, but who knows what they’re doing when your back is turned? And I haven’t even gotten to the increased noise pollution from additional mournful wailing and kart traffic. See? These are all reasonable gripes. I’m not some NIMBY. I just don’t understand why these Boos can’t live in Evershade Valley, which has ample housing and is very far from my backyard.”

A representative from the urban planning committee addressed the protesters.

“While I understand the personal feelings some in our community might have about this project, there’s simply no two ways about it,” said George, an eight-year member of the city council. “Boos need to live — if you’ll excuse the term — somewhere. We have a rare opportunity on our hands where an abandoned property became available to us. To do anything besides use it to provide shelter to those in need would be monstrous, indeed. Further regulation and changes to economic policies would be helpful, too, but there’s no more direct way of easing the housing crisis than by literally providing housing.”

At press time, locals had begun collecting signatures for a petition to move the project to The Last Resort Hotel.

CORNERIA — Fox McCloud, the leader of the elite Star Fox mercenary team, was reportedly touched after he received correspondence from a grateful Falco Lombardi, his squadron’s ace pilot.

“Falco likes to put on the whole ‘tough guy’ act, but it’s just a facade,” said McCloud as he fixed the card to his refrigerator with a magnet. “He’s actually really sensitive and sincere in private. I mean, look at this card. He went out of his way to thank me, and all I did was save his life by shooting down the enemy fighter that had him dead to rights. Some hotshot pilots might get all sarcastic or even resentful after something like that, but not Falco. He’s not afraid to set his heart to All-Range Mode.”

Another member of the Star Fox team has a very different opinion of Lombardi.

“Falco is a huge dick,” said Slippy Toad, the team’s mechanic. “Like, a huge dick. He’s constantly bullying me and dodging responsibility for his mistakes. Any time he screws up, he blames it on his ship. ‘Something’s wrong with the G-Diffuser.’ Yeah, man. Sure. Now I’ve got to stay up all night running diagnostics because some bogey got the drop on you. And you know he’s gonna drunkenly walk down to the hangar while I’m trying to work and ask me how many fighters I shot down. I bring value to this team, damn it! Flying isn’t the only skill we need.”

McCloud’s fellow mercenary and rival Wolf O’Donnell criticized the fox’s leadership skills.

“Good communication is paramount to a team’s success,” said O’Donnell, who noted that his outfit’s ships are also superior to Star Fox’s Arwings. “I’m not saying that sending a thank you card is a bad thing, but it shouldn’t really be necessary in this situation. Ideally, Falco would have given an earnest expression of gratitude right there, in the moment. At worst, he could have approached Fox immediately after they had returned from the sortie. In light of this story, I’m not at all surprised to hear about his behavior towards Slippy. This is exactly why we brought in a human resources contractor to work with us at Star Wolf. You want your pilots to save all of their vitriol for the enemy. If they’re up all night insulting each other, they might end up in a dogfight without the energy to quip about how they killed their opponent’s father.”

After a more recent skirmish that went sideways, Fox had reportedly received a second card with a cartoon illustration of Albert Einstein on the front.