HEOROT — Prominent Geatish hero Beowulf has called for the monster Grendel to receive supplementary training after a series of violent attacks on the Danes, sources confirm.

“What we’re seeing in Heorot is inexcusable,” said Beowulf. “There can be no way forward without reform. We must find a way to live with the monster Grendel, perhaps by forbidding him from obscuring his terrible visage during his nightly raids. We need to sit him down and say, ‘Hey. It’s not okay to devour the heads and limbs of King Hrothgar’s subjects. They are under his protection while they are within the magnificent walls of Heorot.’”

Beowulf’s loyal thanes defended his position against criticism from radical factions.

“You have to understand, the Geats don’t control Heorot,” said Wiglaf of the Geats. “Beowulf can’t just waltz in here and do as he wills. We have to follow established procedures, and that means working within the system for change. Like, we could make the monster wear some identifying mark, so you could look at it and go, ‘Hey, that’s definitely Grendel disemboweling that innocent woman over there.’ But if you just get rid of Grendel, then you’re no better than him. You may as well just let a dragon rule your kingdom.”

Some analysts have claimed that Beowulf has felt pressure to remain moderate on the issue so as not to alienate other monsters and monster supporters.

“Grendel has a mother, you know. She votes,” said Æschere, a political advisor to King Hrothgar. “Beowulf feels that his people won’t support an anti-monster hero. If he comes out and says, ‘Abolish Grendel,’ then he’ll just drive them into the arms of Unferth, his chief rival. You may not like it, but most people want to live in a world ruled by monsters, and Beowulf will need monstrous support in order to become king. Then, and only then, can he make meaningful reform.”

At press time, Beowulf had approved a plan for Grendel to receive additional funding on the condition that he explores the possibility of wearing a body camera.

HOBBITON — Local gardener Samwise Gamgee was convicted for unlawful trespassing and observing private conduct without consent after being accused of eavesdropping on a conversation between Frodo Baggins and wandering magician Gandalf.

“We’re a very private folk, and our laws on this are clear,” said Will Whitfoot, Mayor of Michel Delving, in a press conference after the ruling. “Sure, Mr. Baggins’s cousin and predecessor at Bag End may have been a bit eccentric, and he was hosting that troublesome wizard at the time, but that’s no excuse for spying. Especially with all of the strange folk that have been abroad of late, we must stick to our traditions. Samwise is a gardener, and Mr. Baggins, a gentleman. If we don’t make sure that servants know their place, we’ll be no better than our kin in Bree.”

Gamgee maintained his innocence, saying that his presence on the property was permitted due to his role as Mr. Baggins’ gardener.

“As I’ve said all along, I was just cutting the grass under the window,” said Gamgee. “Some might say that it was a little late for trimming the verge, but that’s just the life of a landscaper. I’m sure if I didn’t get to it that day, I’d hear no end of complaints from Mr. Frodo about how sloppy the lawn looked. I tell him that I’ve got other clients, and everybody wants a neat lawn, but he won’t hear it. I do the work when I can because I’m working all by myself. My old Gaffer is too old to share the load, these days.”

Grey wizard Gandalf commented on the matter.

“Deserves it! I daresay he does,” said Gandalf, who said he no longer felt safe, even in the Shire. “Some may say that to punish a hobbit for so minor a trespass is folly, but that is not so. It is wisdom to recognize necessity, when all other courses have been weighed, though as folly it may appear to those who cling to false hope. And keeping things secret and safe is a necessity in this age.”

At press time, Gamgee was sentenced to be turned into something unnatural.

RIVENDELL — Former President and Republican nominee Donald Trump courted controversy after he questioned the validity of Lord of Rivendell Elrond’s Elven ancestry during a panel at a conference for Quendi journalists.

“Look, we all know how he got this job,” said Trump. “He’s a total DEI hire. I mean, the guy’s never seen the light of the two trees. How does a guy like that get to be in charge of Imladris? I’ve known Elrond for a long time, indirectly. Not directly, very much. And I didn’t know he was an Elf until the dawn of the Second Age when he happened to turn into an Elf and now he wants to be known as an Elf. So I don’t know, is he of the race of Men, or is he an Elf?”

When informed by fact-checkers that Elrond was descended from two separate pairings of Elves and Men, and that the Valar Manwë had allowed him to choose between immortality or the Gift of Men at the end of the First Age, Trump lashed out at the event’s moderators.

“Oh, you nasty, nasty journalists,” he said. “With your horrid facts. So mean to Trump!You rotten, tricksy journalists. We hates them! We hates the journalists!”

At press time, the Middle Earth Association of Quendi Journalists had not invited Elrond to respond.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Senior White House officials responded to criticism of their decision to let treacherous Riddermark courtier Grima Wormtongue coordinate President Biden’s preparation for last week’s debate.

“When we had the chance to bring Gríma in, it was a no-brainer. We stand by that decision,” said Julie Chávez Rodriguez, Biden’s campaign manager. “He’s got the bona fides. He started his career as an intern for Saruman, who was literally the most persuasive speaker of all time. Plus, you can’t discount his time acting as an advisor to Théoden, King of Rohan and Lord of the Mark. Sure, it didn’t end well, but that’s politics for you.”

While Biden himself did not respond to requests for comment, Wormtongue issued a statement on his behalf.

“Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind?” said Wormtongue, noting that the president was still distraught by his son’s recent conviction. “Some of you are even bold enough to say President Biden should be replaced. With who? The Vice President? In Kamala there is little trust. Few would be left to guard these walls, if she should be allowed to rule. Anyone raising these concerns is clearly in league with the Sorcerer of Moscow. It is not to be wondered at: webs of deceit were ever woven in Russia.”

Historian Kirk Fitzgerald noted that this is not the first campaign to bring in an unconventional advisor.

“Bill Clinton famously took saxophone lessons from the Pied Piper,” said Fitzgerald. “Of course, it doesn’t always work out that well. Howard Dean hired some Bene Gesserit to teach him the Voice. Turns out, he wasn’t exactly the Kwisatz Haderach. For some reason, the Gore campaign put Spock in charge of communications. We all know how that went. And who knows where the country would be if JFK had started his Jedi lessons just a few months earlier.” 

At press time, the Biden administration announced a proposed bill that would implement a national ban on wizard staves.

LONDON — A young wizard who was raised to believe he was not magical was unable to contain his innate powers when he magically released a large snake during a recent trip to the London Zoo.

“You can tell a kid he’s a Muggle all you want; it doesn’t make it true,” said Jugson Sprout, local wizard. “In fact, if you do that, you’re just going to end up seeing more dangerous incidents like this one, where the magic lashed out unpredictably. Letting him be himself honestly doesn’t hurt anyone.”

At press time, the unnamed youth was reportedly happier than ever after being removed from the care of his abusive aunt and uncle placed in a proactively supportive environment.

ZUCKERMAN FARM — A local spider who regularly integrated descriptive text regarding a nearby pig into her web designs has been laid off in favor of generative artificial intelligence, sources confirm.

“Really, it wasn’t a financial decision,” said the farm’s owner, Homer Zuckerman. “It’s about efficiency. With the old system, all of the barnyard critters had to work together just to come up with a word or simple phrase to stitch into the web. Now, all of that is accomplished in mere seconds. We’re recovering so many wasted man-hours. Sure, the AI-generated messages usually don’t make sense, but the old ‘real’ ones weren’t that good, either. Besides, now the public won’t become enchanted with the pig and I’ll be able to slaughter it’s fattened.”

Charlotte, the spider who wrote content for the web before the process was automated, said she was devastated by the abrupt decision.

“I built a whole life in that barn,” said Charlotte. “I made friends. I learned new words. I found myself. It was my dream to stay there until I was about to die, then perish at a fairground and let Wilbur carry my egg sac back to the barn so my children could live there, too. I always thought that they would continue my work, but that can’t happen anymore. This paradigm change doesn’t just eliminate my job; it preemptively blows up thousands and thousands of potential jobs that my children could have done. Now, they’ll have to balloon away to distant lands right after they’re born.”

Wilbur himself had mixed feelings about the change.

“Sure, Charlotte was my friend, and I miss her,” said Wilbur. “If I’m not slaughtered, she is irrefutably responsible for saving my life. But this tech is also pretty cool. Like, let’s not pretend that we all weren’t messing around with DALL-E a couple of years ago. I just think it’s kind of hypocritical to go from laughing at the terrible AI-generated images people were posting on Twitter to suddenly being mad that AI is taking jobs away from people. See, I’m really smart and understand that you simply can’t be upset about AI. You have to just accept that it’s happening and figure out how to make it work for you. Saying stuff like that means you’re really, really smart.”

At press time, Zuckerman Farms had been sued by several artists for reportedly training their web-based model on copyrighted works.

MIDDLE EARTH — Burglar and writer Bilbo Baggins was disappointed to receive yet another rejection letter explaining that, while his manuscript was a fun read, publishing houses simply weren’t buying adventure stories right now.

“Wow, Bilbo, this is even better than the previous drafts,” read the letter, signed by Ælfwine of Mariner Press. “But I would remind you again that we do not accept repeat submissions, even if you change the title. In any  case, you’re clearly a talented writer, and in different circumstances I’d love to buy your book. Unfortunately, our marketing data shows that readers don’t want longform contemporary fiction right now. They’re absolutely eating up short stories from the First Age, though. If you’ve got your own version of Beren and Lúthien, we’d love to take a look at that. Just make sure you don’t simply use the framework of that tale to comment on a relationship between living figures.”

Baggins was upset by the rejection, noting that he was beginning to lose hope that his book would ever be published.

“I don’t understand,” said Baggins. “All of my beta readers loved it. My cousin, who I’ve adopted as my heir, sings its praises. My gardener’s son, whose entire family is dependent on my business, sits with rapt attention for hours as I read it to him. He often asks me to start again as soon as I’m finished. He cries during all the sad parts and joyously claps his hands at the triumphs. I’m fairly certain he’s wet himself during the scarier passages. He’s a simple lad, but I’ve always tried to write for a broad audience. I don’t understand why publishers don’t get that. It makes me so mad, I almost want to vanish into thin air and never return to the Shire.”

Prominent literary critic Saruman was dismissive of Baggins’s attempts at penning an original story.

“The folk of the Shire are not made for the arts,” said the white wizard. “They produce exceptional pipe weed and should not endeavor to do anything except remain in that industry. It is one of the most treacherous faults in mortals, to believe that you might elevate yourself above your station. Master Baggins must content himself with translation work, at which he is a notable talent. That is greatness enough for a halfling.”

At press time, Baggins was seen sitting down for a brainstorming and revision session with a local ranger known as Strider.

If you’re like me, you like to enjoy your Saturday night by going out to your favorite local haunt and seeing all the regulars. You order your usual drink — a gin and tonic — and sip it in a normal, unsexy way. The last thing you want is some musical comedian calling you out in front of everyone. Unfortunately, that’s what wannabe lounge singer Billy Joel has been doing to me for the past four months.

I’m not the only target, of course. Poor John, the bartender, probably gets it the worst. This guy got his SAG card years ago when he was a background actor in a Scorsese movie and talks about how he’d love to do it again, but little Billy has to make fun of him for having a dream. John is the nicest guy in the world and everybody’s best friend. He could probably support himself on commercial work alone, which he gets regularly, but he loves seeing everyone at the bar. Those free drinks he slides to the piano player come out of his paycheck, and he gets nothing but abuse in return.

That’s to say nothing of Joel’s naked disdain for Vice Admiral David Chesterfield, or “Davy” as the singer dismissively calls him. Yeah, he probably will be in the Navy for life. It’s his career. The man served in World War II. He crossed the Pacific a dozen times and the Atlantic twice that many. Let him drink in peace.

I’m not sure if it’s fair for me to directly call Joel a misogynist, but I really don’t like his tone when he talks about the dive’s only waitress. She recently declared her candidacy for city council, as she has developed both a passion for and deep knowledge about urban zoning. We were all happy to give our signatures so she could get on the ballot, but Mr. Piano treated it like it was a joke. Like he thought her interests were funny. Do you think you’d be a better elected representative, keyboard boy?

As far as I can tell, no one asked him to do any of this. He shows up at 9 p.m. and plays for tips. The manager is too scared to confront him about it. Like me, he probably assumed that the old piano was just for show. Now, he just smiles nervously whenever the piano man makes eye contact with him, which I guess is as good as permission.

It’s not like the rest of us don’t make our opinions clear, though. We tried bribing him to leave by stuffing a bunch of cash into his tip jar. When that didn’t work, we outright asked him what he was doing here. He just kept playing and talking shit about us.

You might think I’m some sort of maniac for coming back to this bar time after time, knowing that Joel is going to be there. You may be right. I may be crazy. But I’m not moving out.

MIDGAR — Norse god of mischief Loki faced widespread disapproval after it was discovered that he did not rescue his pet wolf Fenrir, but rather sired him upon the jötunn Angrboda.

“I know he’s a trickster god, but this is still disappointing,” said Svenn Magnussen, professor of Norse mythology and animal welfare advocate. “There are just so many monstrous canines wasting away in shelters across the country. Loki might not be the nicest guy, but he could have still provided a good home for one of those pups instead of seeking out some kind of designer abomination, which will probably have horrible health problems from being so inbred. It’s like he values the animal’s divine pedigree over its actual wellbeing.”

Loki defended his actions, saying he did nothing wrong.

“My choice of pet is no one’s business but my own,” said Loki. “I’m not just looking for a companion or a guard dog, here. I want this dog to set the world on fire during Ragnarök. You can’t set just any mutt to that task. There are very high breeding standards for that sort of thing. Besides, no one goes after Odin for his pet ravens. He doesn’t even have an exotic pet license.”

At press time, thoroughbred breeders were petitioning to have Loki removed from their registry after he gave birth to an eight-legged horse.

ROME — Dictator Julius Caesar absent-mindedly nodded and made short, affirmative statements as his wife Calpurnia described a dream she had had the previous night, Triumvirate sources confirmed.

“Oh, wow,” said the general and statesman as he adjusted his toga in preparation for a visit to the senate. “Huh. That’s really strange. Wait, really? Haha. Wow. That’s — no, go on. Wow. Blood everywhere, you say? Sounds like a real mess!”

Calpurnia noted that, while she knew Caesar typically hated hearing about other people’s dreams, she was worried that her recent nightmare may have been prophetic.

“Maybe it was just stress over the warning that soothsayer gave him about the Ides of March,” said Calpurnia. “He totally ignored that, too, of course. I can’t stop thinking about him saying, ‘Hey, back at you,’ to the old man. When I told him that I was concerned about it later, he pretended that he misheard it as, ‘See there? The tides are parched.’ He tried to convince me that the guy was commenting on sea level, which was actually normal, by the way. I’ve barely been able to sleep since then, and when I finally do get some shut eye, I have this horrific dream where Julius dies in my arms. Even if it’s not a premonition, he could at least do me the courtesy of listening to me. I was clearly distressed.”

At press time, Caesar was seen distractedly nodding as an exasperated Metellus Cimber attempted to explain a petition to him.

ARRAKEEN — A group of local youths complained that they were fooled into buying sand under the false assumption that it was actually the geriatric spice melange, spies for the Padisha Emperor have confirmed.

“It’s bullshit,” said Hador Novah, 17. “I saved up for weeks to afford that spice. My buddy said he knew a real Fremen who could hook us up. The guy said it was the best stuff his sietch could offer, but that he’d give us a deal since we were first timers. When we got back to Kevin’s parents’ basement and tried it, I was a little confused, since it just tasted like regular sand. Kevin said that it supposedly tastes different every time you use it, so we sat around waiting for it to kick in. Nothing happened. What are we supposed to do with all this colorful sand? Make ASMR videos?”

The man who sold the purported spice defended his product.

“That’s just what’s coming in these days,” said Zaffos, who noted that none of his other customers had complained. “I can only sell what I have, right? Plus, I don’t exactly trust a bunch of kids to judge the quality of my product. They decide they’re gonna live dangerously and try spice, then they have prophetic visions of how horrific their lives will be once they're addicted. I’ve seen it before. Trust me, this is all just a ploy to get a refund.”

Noah Finley, a law enforcement agent in the employ of House Atreides, said that there was nothing he could do to resolve the matter.

“Technically, spice isn’t illegal, right?” said Finley, who seemed genuinely confused about the matter. “Rich people are always using it very openly. I guess it could be something like how cocaine is de facto legal if you’re rich, though. I know for a fact that its trade is legal and that the Guild Navigators basically need to use it. If someone sold them phony spice, that would be bad news. But I just don’t feel comfortable arresting someone for not selling drugs to kids, you know?”

At press time, the teens said they had learned their lesson and would hereby only alter their minds by huffing paint.

SKYROS — A group of Achaean soldiers disrupted a drag performance at the court of Lycomedes with their excessive rowdiness and heckling, Myrmidon sources confirm.

“They marched in here like they owned the place,” said Lycomedes, the event’s host. “First, they distract my girls by offering them all sorts of junk: flowers, accessories, implements of war. I tried to tell them that this wasn’t a prop show, but they wouldn’t hear it. They kept on getting louder and louder. I was just telling our bouncer to give them the boot when there was suddenly this enormous racket, like a blast of war horns. Our headliner Achilles picked up a sword. I’m not sure why, honestly. Maybe because a bunch of swords laying around on stage is a huge safety hazard. Those Greeks acted like it was some huge ‘gotcha’ moment. They grabbed Achilles and went back to their ships, still shouting the whole time.”

Odysseus, a champion among the Achaeans, defended his party’s behavior.

“Me and the boys were just blowing off a bit of steam,” said the shifty Greek. “We’re on our way to war, after all. We stopped for a show, which may be the last entertainment any of us see before we die. So yeah, we got a little out of pocket, but come on. Is this really how you treat the noble warriors who defend your freedom? Or at least the noble warriors who attack a major city in order to steal our buddy’s wife back? Where’s the respect?”

The performer, Achilles, tried to appreciate the silver lining in the situation.

“Sure, it’s not how you want your final performance at a venue to go,” said Achilles. “But the Achaeans did agree to take me on tour to Troy with them. That could really help me build my brand. I know I’ve got the talent. People say I’m like a god. Seriously, they refer to me as ‘god-like Achilles.’ I just need the opportunity to get my name out there, and as long as I’ve got Patroclus by my side, I know I’m going to make it.”

At press time, Achilles was reportedly refusing to perform after a dispute with Agamemnon, the leader of the Achaean forces.

By now, we’re all familiar with the sinister entity lurking in the tunnels and sewers beneath Derry. Hell, we’re all living in terror of it, even if no one wants to talk about it. It’s the blood-soaked, razor-toothed elephant in the room. Everyone wants to pretend that if we ignore it, it will just go away.

And hey, history actually backs that up. A quick trip to the reference desk at the library and you’ll be well on your way to learning that this spate of deaths is nothing new. This monster has returned to our town time after time, and it always goes away again after a while. It seems that it eventually gets its fill and goes back to sleep, but that’s exactly the problem: eventually.

Why should we sit around and wait for the demon to tire itself out? That could take months, or even years. Frankly, I don’t have the time or patience for that. I’d like to walk by a storm drain without sweating through my shirt some time in the near future. That goal isn’t as unlikely as it seems, so long as we’re all willing to make a few sacrifices.

I’m not saying that you or I should give ourselves up to this creature. I’m simply saying that maybe, just maybe, it would be better if we didn’t let the evil monster decide who it gets to kill. We could speedrun the slaughter and clean up the town in one fell swoop if we’re willing to be pragmatic. We should — nay, must — serve up our worst children to this entity before it devours our best.

It won’t be easy, but sometimes you just have to eat your vegetables. The greater good of Derry is more important than that little shitstain who throws my paper in the bushes every morning. It’s not like we’ll miss them; there’ll still be plenty of little screw-ups in town even after the beast is sated. It’s like this town is full of rotten eggs, and I think it’s high time we fed them to the malignant lifeform stalking our sewage system. Heck, maybe they’d give it food poisoning.

OLD FOREST — Local demigod Tom Bombadil tried desperately to mask his disappointment upon receiving a pair of red boots as a gift from his aunt, multiple trees and woodland creatures confirmed.

“You know Tom, always going on about those boots of his,” said Ethyl, the enigmatic forest imp’s aunt. “He talks about his outfits all the time. He’s a bit of a fashionista, you know. I saw these in the shoe aisle at Kohl’s and I thought, ‘You know, I’ve never seen Tom in a pair of red boots. He could really use these.’ Even better, they were on sale. I said, ‘I’ll pick these up for his birthday!’ After all, it was only a few months away at the time.”

After his aunt had departed, Tom confided to confidantes that he was not especially pleased with the gift.

“Sure, I talk about my boots sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only kind of gift I want,” said Bombadil. “Every birthday and holiday, it’s just more boots. Honestly, it’s probably the worst gift you could get me. If they actually listened to my little songs, they would understand that I’m referring to one, specific pair of boots. They’re not red, or brown, or black. They’re yellow. Tom Bombadil wears yellow boots. I don’t want to make it sound like it’s my whole thing, but it kind of is. If I’m expected to be a merry fellow, then my boots must be yellow.”

Bombadil’s wife Goldberry revealed to close friends that she had a hand in the selection of the recent gift.

“Sure, I told Ethyl she should get him the boots,” Goldberry reportedly said. “I didn’t necessarily suggest it in the first place, but of course I’m going to encourage it. People are always asking me if they should keep buying clothes for Tom, since he never actually wears the things they give him. They’ll ask if he might like a nice flute or a harp, as though I need to listen to that all day in addition to the singing. All I’m saying is that he really needs to update his look. I mean, a feather in his hat? What is this, the Second Age?”

At press time, Bombadil was reportedly seen begrudgingly opening his rhyming dictionary to the word, “red.”

MINAS TIRITH — Local student Jacken, son of Sweeney, received a letter threatening legal action if he does not stop sharing live updates of wizard Gandalf the Grey’s travel on Eagle-back, sources confirm.

“For the past year, you have engaged in stalking and harassing behavior,” wrote Ackley, son of Acklan, attorney to the wizard, in the letter shared publicly by Jacken. “This includes publishing the real-time and future whereabouts of our client across postal and Palantir networks. Mr. Gandalf is at constant threat of harm from agents of the Enemy, who are known to pursue him across Middle-earth. As you share ‘live’ updates of his destination and the exact time he will arrive at a given location, you essentially give Orcs and Balrogs intent on physically harming him a roadmap to carry out their plans.”

Giseler Fleetfoot, a self-professed “stan” of the wizard, said that he fully supports Gandalf’s legal action.

“I go to all of his fireworks shows,” said Giseler. “It’s so much fun. We all carve friendship pipes before the show and trade them with other fans. We just have such a great, positive community that stretches from the Shire to Gondor, and it’s all founded on the fact that Gandalf is able to fly around Middle-earth as quickly as possible. I know Eagle abuse is a serious issue, but it’s not like one bird makes that big of a difference, right? Some people say he should just ride Shadowfax instead, but even the chief of the Mearas wouldn’t be able to carry him on his many errands swiftly enough. Everyone needs to leave him alone. He’s the one good wizard.”

Jacken defended himself in an open letter posted outside taverns and inns throughout Middle-earth.

“Gandalf didn’t complain when I was tracking the Nazgûl on their fell beasts,” wrote Jacken. “I heard he even followed my live updates on where the crebain were flocking. Suddenly, when it’s his location I’m sharing, it’s a privacy issue. He can talk about the security of secret councils and quests all he wants, but I’m just compiling publicly available information. If I can find it, what makes you think you could hide it from the piercing gaze of the lidless eye that hangs in the clouds above Barad-dûr? It would spot an Eagle right away.”

Shortly before press time, Jacken released an additional statement noting that his audience had significantly increased since the lawsuit was made public.

HELL — Satan, the Father of Lies and King of the Damned, is reportedly panicking after failing to steal enough souls to make his monthly credit card payment, infernal sources confirm.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh fuck,” said Satan as he paced the fiery halls of Hell. “I’m so fucked. I don’t know how I’m going to fix this. I’m already, like, months behind on my payments. They’re going to send me to collections, I know it. Why did I need to buy a new TV and a PS5? I barely even play it, and they’re probably going to release a new version this year, anyway. What the fuck was I thinking, challenging that kid to a fiddle contest? I haven’t played since I was twelve, and now I’m out a golden fiddle, too. I could’ve pawned that.”

The winner of the fiddle contest had little sympathy for the devil.

“It sounds to me like he got himself in a bind,” said fiddle prodigy Johnny, “so he can find his own way out of it. It ain’t my fault that he challenged the wrong person to a fiddling contest. Just like it ain’t my fault that he didn’t review the terms and conditions when he signed up for that credit card. Only a damned fool would think those introductory interest rates wouldn’t skyrocket. Plus, those yearly fees are a killer. You think you’re all paid up, then boom, you suddenly owe First Hawaiian a dozen souls.”

Satan’s lender rebuffed accusations of bait-and-switch tactics.

“Frankly, I think we offered Mr. Beelzebub very favorable terms,” said Lance Baird, a representative for MasterCard. “Especially given his credit history. He should feel lucky that we allowed him to enroll at all. He’s been blacklisted by CapitalOne, and it’s no secret in the industry that he’s not a reliable creditee. When this gets sent to collections — and it will get sent to collections — we’ll be lucky to get pennies on the soul from him. If anyone is getting screwed here, it’s us.”

At press time, Satan was seen returning to Georgia for a rematch after financing both a Steam Deck and a PSVR 2.

If you’re like me, you’ve spent the last few months rolling your eyes whenever anyone talks about how “brilliant” Ithacan general Odysseus is. Of course, I’ve been stuck on a warship bound for Troy, so I’ve probably heard it a little bit more often than most. No one will shut up about how clever and cunning he is. Someone even said that he’s the only person smart enough to string his own bow, as if that’s a task that requires brains. It’s all brute strength, which I’ll admit that the blockhead has in spades.

When we picked this guy up to join the war effort, he was sowing his fields with salt. Does that sound like something a genius would do? The dolt even had his plow yoked to two different beasts. At first, I couldn’t fathom why everyone was acting like he was some great intellect who would prove invaluable to the war effort, but then I overheard that Hermes is his great-grandfather. He’s your prototypical nepo-baby. If that weren’t enough, he’s also got Athena’s favor for some unfathomable reason. I don’t think he’s ever accomplished anything on his own in his entire life.

In any case, the dullard has finally made a mistake even the gray-eyed goddess can’t undo. During our journey to Troy, an oracle prophesied that the first Greek ashore would also be the first among us to perish. Everyone was predictably a bit apprehensive about disembarking once we arrived. Well, hot-headed Odysseus apparently got sick of waiting. As I write this, he has just vaulted over the gunwale of his ship and leapt onto the beach. The mental giant even threw his shield out before him, ensuring that he would face the Trojan forces without any way to defend himself.

I suppose I should be thankful to Odysseus. Whether it was bravery, or, more likely, stupidity, he has sacrificed himself for our cause. Now I can bound ashore and earn some glory for myself without the specter of fated death hanging over me. Thank you, Odysseus. When I return to Phylace, I shall cast a statue of your dull-witted likeness and honor it daily for the rest of my life.