NEW YORK — A study by researchers from Empire State University has revealed that Celestials, the cosmic beings whose experiments on apes led to the evolution of human intelligence, devour nearly ten Spider-men annually while they sleep.

“It sounds like a surprising result at first,” said Dr. Nathaniel Richards, the school’s leading authority on multiverse theory. “But really, it’s inevitable. There’s just so many goddamned Spider-men. If a Celestial scarfs down eight of them, there’ll be another hundred to take their place soon enough. Honestly, it was hard to verify the number because eight Spider-men is close to being statistically insignificant. One of the paper’s reviewers wanted us to look more deeply into the wider impact of losing these Spider-folk, but come on. They’re all losers in their personal lives, and whatever superhero work they were doing will inevitably be picked up by one of the dozen kids who gets spider powers in the next month. They’re like mosquitoes, and New York is one big pool of standing water. Hell, you and I probably gobble down our fair share of Spider-people from universes where they’re actually the size of spiders. You can’t keep track of them.”

Peter Parker, a graduate student who received his first credit on the research paper, had a contrasting point of view.

“I mean, these guys are people, right?” said Parker. “They’re regular folks, like me and you. They might be the only financial support their elderly aunt has. They probably have a girlfriend, even if her memory is sometimes erased. Maybe they even have a passion for photography. What I’m saying is, we shouldn’t be so blasé about Spider-men being lost en masse. We should try to do something to prevent it. In fact, I’ve got a mind to take a closer look at one of these Celestials myself.”

At press time, witnesses near the Celestial Tiamut heard an irreverent voice start to quip, “Hey, if you’re gonna snore like that, then I’m gonna sleep on the —” before seeing a red and white blur vanish into the dreaming giant’s cavernous mouth.

Chris Andrews, New York

I’ve been a native New Yorker for nearly a year now, but I didn’t feel like I belonged until I was rescued by Spider-Man last month. I was just minding my own business and being mugged, when out of nowhere, I saw this red and blue blur swing by. By the time I looked back at the muggers, they’d been webbed to a nearby wall, and Spider-Man was leveling devasting one-liners on them.

It’s the quintessential New York experience. It could happen at any time of the day: at the crack of dawn, in the afternoon after work, or even in the middle of the night. That’s because Spider-Man is open 24/7, just like New York. It’s the city that never sleeps!

The best part of my mugging and subsequent rescue is how easy it was to walk to from my apartment. It was literally the next block over. Back home, if you wanted to get saved by a superhero, you had to have a car. Walkable cities are great for so many reasons, but a big benefit is how they let you build community. I really identify with that webhead — he’s truly a friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man, not just some powerful meta-human who happens to live near me. Only in New York, baby! Greatest city in the world!

Wade Reese, Iowa

Oh, give me a break. New Yorkers act like they're the only people in the world who have superheroes. Guess what, buddy, we have Spider-Man in my hometown. We just call him Hawkeye.

Honestly, it's kind of nice getting saved by a hero in a peaceful, quiet environment. I wouldn't be able to hear myself think with all of Spider-Man’s constant, obnoxious quipping. Plus, I don't trust that webbing of his. He's putting tons and tons of microplastics into the biosphere. I'm okay being out here in the clean air, away from the city.

Besides, why do you think they're even bragging about getting saved by Spider-Man in the first place? I'll tell you why: crime in the city is out of control. They have to keep the focus on the people getting rescued so we don’t hear about all the ones that are being killed, which is a way higher number. Besides, I listen to Jameson’s podcast, and he says that Spider-Man is actually a criminal himself. I'm not saying that I agree with him, but it definitely makes you think. New York isn’t so great.

NEW YORK — Humanoid turtle and Roosevelt High School sophomore Raphael has been banned from competing on the school’s wrestling team after a random test detected the presence of a banned substance in his sample, sources confirm.

“We take this type of infraction very seriously,” said Clark Foster, a representative of the New York State Public High School Athletic Association. “It’s not just that we want our student athletes meeting on a level playing field. Our primary concern is the health of our students. If we allowed these kids to take untested, uncontrolled substances, there’s no telling what might happen to them. They might transform into some kind of super version of themselves, doomed to be crushed beneath a dock in a mad, desperate bid for vengeance. That’s not the kind of future we want for our students.”

Raphael was disappointed by NYSPHSAA’s decision.

“Damn,” said Raphael as he brooded on a rooftop. “I worked so hard to make varsity this year. I haven’t taken the Ooze since I was a baby, and I didn’t even mean to do it then. It’s just so unfair. I was already the shortest guy in my weight class. My coach was always yelling at me about that. I had to keep telling that moron that I couldn’t take off my shell. And now I’m not even allowed to compete. It’s bullcrap.”

Raphael’s brother had a different perspective on the matter.

“Raph needs to understand that rules are rules,” said Leonardo, the eldest of the turtle siblings. “The state says that student athletes can’t use the Ooze. All of the other wrestlers are cool with that. It’s not fair that he would get to break the rule. It’s just like how most of humanity hates and fears us. That just means it’s our job to work extra hard to earn their trust. It’s only fair that we have to put in twice the work for a fraction of the respect. I see no compelling argument for us to fight against the status quo.”

At press time, local attorney Matthew Murdock had reportedly agreed to help Raphael challenge NYSPHSAA’s ruling pro bono.

GOTHAM CITY — New Jersey Governor Andrew Warner announced substantial budget cuts for Arkham Asylum, a state-funded institute created to hold and rehabilitate criminals with severe psychiatric disorders, after the facility experienced a string of breakouts.

“The standards at Arkham have become unacceptable, and I’m not just talking about their security,” said Warner. “This is a place that’s supposed to be equipped to treat our most dangerous supervillains, and they can’t even keep them inside the walls. I’m not going to throw more taxpayer money at them until they get their act together. That may seem cold, but trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve toured Arkham a dozen times during my tenure as governor. It’s an awful place. The things I saw in there make me want to quit the human race.”

Arkham staff strongly objected to the governor’s decision to cut the asylum’s budget, saying that it wouldn’t fix their security problems.

“Dear God, please don’t cut our funding again,” said Jenna Beard, a psychiatric nurse who reported that she has also been forced to take on additional responsibilities, including kitchen and guard duty. “If anything, we need more money. The building is falling apart, and we’re already dangerously understaffed. I’m trying to help these people, but I don’t have the time or energy. I can’t even quit. The Joker told me he’ll kill my entire family if I leave, and I believe him. He’s done it before when other employees resigned, and again, there’s just not enough staff to make sure he doesn’t escape through one of the countless broken windows. He could probably just walk out the front door, since there’s hardly ever someone there who could stop him.”

Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne lauded Governor Warner’s actions, noting that he would have taken the same course.

“Andrew is a good friend, and I think he made the right call here,” said Wayne. “Plenty of people have called upon me to use my immense inherited wealth to help fully fund the asylum, but I’m of a similar mind to the governor. Arkham has to learn this lesson the hard way. And sure, there will be more and more breakouts, but I’m certain those villains will meet justice. Violent, violent justice. Potentially in the form of a brutal ass-whooping by a man in a cowl and cape.”

At press time, Governor Warner was considering a proposal to simply reclassify all of Arkham’s patients as rehabilitated and ready to care for themselves.