Achaean Fleet Ruins Skyros Drag Night
Headliner kidnapped and pressed to help sack Troy
SKYROS — A group of Achaean soldiers disrupted a drag performance at the court of Lycomedes with their excessive rowdiness and heckling, Myrmidon sources confirm.
“They marched in here like they owned the place,” said Lycomedes, the event’s host. “First, they distract my girls by offering them all sorts of junk: flowers, accessories, implements of war. I tried to tell them that this wasn’t a prop show, but they wouldn’t hear it. They kept on getting louder and louder. I was just telling our bouncer to give them the boot when there was suddenly this enormous racket, like a blast of war horns. Our headliner Achilles picked up a sword. I’m not sure why, honestly. Maybe because a bunch of swords laying around on stage is a huge safety hazard. Those Greeks acted like it was some huge ‘gotcha’ moment. They grabbed Achilles and went back to their ships, still shouting the whole time.”
Odysseus, a champion among the Achaeans, defended his party’s behavior.
“Me and the boys were just blowing off a bit of steam,” said the shifty Greek. “We’re on our way to war, after all. We stopped for a show, which may be the last entertainment any of us see before we die. So yeah, we got a little out of pocket, but come on. Is this really how you treat the noble warriors who defend your freedom? Or at least the noble warriors who attack a major city in order to steal our buddy’s wife back? Where’s the respect?”
The performer, Achilles, tried to appreciate the silver lining in the situation.
“Sure, it’s not how you want your final performance at a venue to go,” said Achilles. “But the Achaeans did agree to take me on tour to Troy with them. That could really help me build my brand. I know I’ve got the talent. People say I’m like a god. Seriously, they refer to me as ‘god-like Achilles.’ I just need the opportunity to get my name out there, and as long as I’ve got Patroclus by my side, I know I’m going to make it.”
At press time, Achilles was reportedly refusing to perform after a dispute with Agamemnon, the leader of the Achaean forces.