After Destruction of Mechagodzilla, Alien Invaders Vow to Retaliate with Some Sort of Mechagodzilla
Advanced extraterrestrial intelligence hopes to blackmail human scientist into doing hard work for them
OKINAWA, Japan — The ape-like extraterrestrials known as Simeons have pledged to conquer the earth by constructing a robotic copy of the monster Godzilla after their original mechanical clone was obliterated, cosmic sources have confirmed.
“Hey, it almost worked the first time,” said Mugal, the newly promoted supreme ruler of Black Hole Planet 3. “Mechagodzilla beat the shit out of Anguirus and fought Godzilla to a draw. Our plan would have been successful if it hadn’t been for that weird, haggard-looking rat-lion who teamed up with Godzilla. Even that fight was pretty close. I honestly thought the head-spinning reflector shield was going to do the trick. I think if we just make a new Mechagodzilla and maybe find another colossal dinosaur that we can somehow mind-control, we’ll be all set.”
Japan Self-Defense Forces General Susumu Fujita warned that the aliens’ plan might prove successful.
“We would have been helpless without Godzilla,” said Fujita. “Our maser cannons are totally useless against Mechagodzilla’s space titanium exterior. Frankly, those things are useless against pretty much everything. They’ve never actually repelled a monster. We just spent so much money on them that we feel obligated to use them. Now, all of the money we have left is being used to develop a shorter song to summon King Caesar. We’ll absolutely need him if another Mechagodzilla attacks, but we can’t afford to sit around for five minutes while some lady serenades him until he wakes up. The aliens will just zap her with a laser before she finishes next time.”
Some Japanese citizens weren’t as pessimistic about the potential return of the giant mecha.
“Oh boy! I sure hope Mechagodzilla returns,” said Ichiro Miki, 9. “It was so exciting to watch it fight with Godzilla and King Caesar. I think the best monster fights are the ones with robots. The regular monsters are cool, too, but it’s awesome how shiny and strong the robot ones are. I think they should get Jet Jaguar to fight Mechagodzilla. That would be incredible! Punch, punch, punch!”
At press time, the Simeons were again in retreat, promising to build yet another mechanical kaiju after their second Mechagodzilla had been defeated.