Arkham Asylum’s Funding Slashed in Wake of Repeated Escapes
State-run institute in Gotham that holds Batman's greatest adversaries asked to do more with less
GOTHAM CITY — New Jersey Governor Andrew Warner announced substantial budget cuts for Arkham Asylum, a state-funded institute created to hold and rehabilitate criminals with severe psychiatric disorders, after the facility experienced a string of breakouts.
“The standards at Arkham have become unacceptable, and I’m not just talking about their security,” said Warner. “This is a place that’s supposed to be equipped to treat our most dangerous supervillains, and they can’t even keep them inside the walls. I’m not going to throw more taxpayer money at them until they get their act together. That may seem cold, but trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve toured Arkham a dozen times during my tenure as governor. It’s an awful place. The things I saw in there make me want to quit the human race.”
Arkham staff strongly objected to the governor’s decision to cut the asylum’s budget, saying that it wouldn’t fix their security problems.
“Dear God, please don’t cut our funding again,” said Jenna Beard, a psychiatric nurse who reported that she has also been forced to take on additional responsibilities, including kitchen and guard duty. “If anything, we need more money. The building is falling apart, and we’re already dangerously understaffed. I’m trying to help these people, but I don’t have the time or energy. I can’t even quit. The Joker told me he’ll kill my entire family if I leave, and I believe him. He’s done it before when other employees resigned, and again, there’s just not enough staff to make sure he doesn’t escape through one of the countless broken windows. He could probably just walk out the front door, since there’s hardly ever someone there who could stop him.”
Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne lauded Governor Warner’s actions, noting that he would have taken the same course.
“Andrew is a good friend, and I think he made the right call here,” said Wayne. “Plenty of people have called upon me to use my immense inherited wealth to help fully fund the asylum, but I’m of a similar mind to the governor. Arkham has to learn this lesson the hard way. And sure, there will be more and more breakouts, but I’m certain those villains will meet justice. Violent, violent justice. Potentially in the form of a brutal ass-whooping by a man in a cowl and cape.”
At press time, Governor Warner was considering a proposal to simply reclassify all of Arkham’s patients as rehabilitated and ready to care for themselves.