Arrakis Teenagers Tricked Into Buying Orange Sand
Authorities unsure which party broke law
ARRAKEEN — A group of local youths complained that they were fooled into buying sand under the false assumption that it was actually the geriatric spice melange, spies for the Padisha Emperor have confirmed.
“It’s bullshit,” said Hador Novah, 17. “I saved up for weeks to afford that spice. My buddy said he knew a real Fremen who could hook us up. The guy said it was the best stuff his sietch could offer, but that he’d give us a deal since we were first timers. When we got back to Kevin’s parents’ basement and tried it, I was a little confused, since it just tasted like regular sand. Kevin said that it supposedly tastes different every time you use it, so we sat around waiting for it to kick in. Nothing happened. What are we supposed to do with all this colorful sand? Make ASMR videos?”
The man who sold the purported spice defended his product.
“That’s just what’s coming in these days,” said Zaffos, who noted that none of his other customers had complained. “I can only sell what I have, right? Plus, I don’t exactly trust a bunch of kids to judge the quality of my product. They decide they’re gonna live dangerously and try spice, then they have prophetic visions of how horrific their lives will be once they're addicted. I’ve seen it before. Trust me, this is all just a ploy to get a refund.”
Noah Finley, a law enforcement agent in the employ of House Atreides, said that there was nothing he could do to resolve the matter.
“Technically, spice isn’t illegal, right?” said Finley, who seemed genuinely confused about the matter. “Rich people are always using it very openly. I guess it could be something like how cocaine is de facto legal if you’re rich, though. I know for a fact that its trade is legal and that the Guild Navigators basically need to use it. If someone sold them phony spice, that would be bad news. But I just don’t feel comfortable arresting someone for not selling drugs to kids, you know?”
At press time, the teens said they had learned their lesson and would hereby only alter their minds by huffing paint.