Beowulf Suggests Grendel Needs More Training
Hero scolds radicals who wish to "Abolish Grendel"
HEOROT — Prominent Geatish hero Beowulf has called for the monster Grendel to receive supplementary training after a series of violent attacks on the Danes, sources confirm.
“What we’re seeing in Heorot is inexcusable,” said Beowulf. “There can be no way forward without reform. We must find a way to live with the monster Grendel, perhaps by forbidding him from obscuring his terrible visage during his nightly raids. We need to sit him down and say, ‘Hey. It’s not okay to devour the heads and limbs of King Hrothgar’s subjects. They are under his protection while they are within the magnificent walls of Heorot.’”
Beowulf’s loyal thanes defended his position against criticism from radical factions.
“You have to understand, the Geats don’t control Heorot,” said Wiglaf of the Geats. “Beowulf can’t just waltz in here and do as he wills. We have to follow established procedures, and that means working within the system for change. Like, we could make the monster wear some identifying mark, so you could look at it and go, ‘Hey, that’s definitely Grendel disemboweling that innocent woman over there.’ But if you just get rid of Grendel, then you’re no better than him. You may as well just let a dragon rule your kingdom.”
Some analysts have claimed that Beowulf has felt pressure to remain moderate on the issue so as not to alienate other monsters and monster supporters.
“Grendel has a mother, you know. She votes,” said Æschere, a political advisor to King Hrothgar. “Beowulf feels that his people won’t support an anti-monster hero. If he comes out and says, ‘Abolish Grendel,’ then he’ll just drive them into the arms of Unferth, his chief rival. You may not like it, but most people want to live in a world ruled by monsters, and Beowulf will need monstrous support in order to become king. Then, and only then, can he make meaningful reform.”
At press time, Beowulf had approved a plan for Grendel to receive additional funding on the condition that he explores the possibility of wearing a body camera.