Biden Camp Defends Decision to Put Gríma Wormtongue in Charge of Debate Prep
Critics claim former advisor to Theoden added subtle poisons to Dark Brandon's Secret Sauce
WASHINGTON D.C. — Senior White House officials responded to criticism of their decision to let treacherous Riddermark courtier Grima Wormtongue coordinate President Biden’s preparation for last week’s debate.
“When we had the chance to bring Gríma in, it was a no-brainer. We stand by that decision,” said Julie Chávez Rodriguez, Biden’s campaign manager. “He’s got the bona fides. He started his career as an intern for Saruman, who was literally the most persuasive speaker of all time. Plus, you can’t discount his time acting as an advisor to Théoden, King of Rohan and Lord of the Mark. Sure, it didn’t end well, but that’s politics for you.”
While Biden himself did not respond to requests for comment, Wormtongue issued a statement on his behalf.
“Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind?” said Wormtongue, noting that the president was still distraught by his son’s recent conviction. “Some of you are even bold enough to say President Biden should be replaced. With who? The Vice President? In Kamala there is little trust. Few would be left to guard these walls, if she should be allowed to rule. Anyone raising these concerns is clearly in league with the Sorcerer of Moscow. It is not to be wondered at: webs of deceit were ever woven in Russia.”
Historian Kirk Fitzgerald noted that this is not the first campaign to bring in an unconventional advisor.
“Bill Clinton famously took saxophone lessons from the Pied Piper,” said Fitzgerald. “Of course, it doesn’t always work out that well. Howard Dean hired some Bene Gesserit to teach him the Voice. Turns out, he wasn’t exactly the Kwisatz Haderach. For some reason, the Gore campaign put Spock in charge of communications. We all know how that went. And who knows where the country would be if JFK had started his Jedi lessons just a few months earlier.”
At press time, the Biden administration announced a proposed bill that would implement a national ban on wizard staves.