Declining Standards: Most Dinosaurs at Jurassic World Have Greater Than 50% Frog DNA
Regulators reportedly became suspicious after park experienced severe wart outbreak
ISLA NUBLAR — Jurassic World, the island resort advertised the only place in the world where visitors can see real dinosaurs, responded today to a report revealing that most of their attractions possess a higher percentage of frog genes than previously disclosed.
“We started out just using a little bit to fill in the gaps in the genetic code,” said Henry Wu, the park’s head of research. “We were a little worried that people would notice that something was off, but they never did. It made sense: the animals were still almost entirely dino DNA, after all. But, well, we got carried away. As our source DNA started to decay, we began filling in larger and larger gaps. After a while, we stopped requiring authorization to use frog genes when creating an embryo. Before we knew it, the triceratops were catching flies with their tongues. It was only a matter of time before this information was made public.”
One guest said that he wasn’t surprised by the revelation.
“I was so excited to see dinosaurs,” said Jerry Damon, who said he had saved up for years to afford the trip. “But they all had these bulging eyes, especially the Troodons. I heard these strange hooting noises coming from behind some foliage and got my hopes up that I was about to encounter a dilophosaurus. Nope. Just a bunch of tree frogs. Plus, the velociraptors were way smaller than I expected. Seriously, they could fit in the palm of your hand and had slimy, green skin. They were really good jumpers, though.”
Paleontologist Alan Grant complained that the park’s poor quality control had negatively affected the general public’s understanding of the creatures he had spent his life studying.
“I’ve always said that the animals on that island are not dinosaurs,” said Grant. “It’s even more true than I thought. These amphibians are killing my field of work. It was already tough convincing donors to fund our digs before they thought there was an island where they could see a stegosaurus in the flesh. I had to go around begging universities for speaking opportunities just to get my name out there. Now, whenever I manage to land one, no one listens to my actual lecture. They just wait for the Q and A so they can ask me questions about frogs that I can’t answer. I hate that park.”
At press time, a further report contradicted Jurassic World’s claims that its animals were incapable of breeding after tadpoles were found in the Tyrannosaur paddock.