Donkey Kong Starting to Feel a Little Overdressed for Kart Racing
"I can't believe I got my tie monogrammed," says ape
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Gorilla and kart racer Donkey Kong reportedly felt self-conscious about his choice of outfit at a recent Grand Prix, Lakitu sources confirm.
“I’m beginning to think that the tie is a little bit much,” said the ape. “No one else bothered to dress up at all. I mean, sure, Peach sometimes wears a dress, but even she started wearing a racing suit. Now she even dresses up like a cat, which, like, I’m not trying to look down on anyone’s hobbies, but have some respect for the sport. I’m not even sure why I’m like this. I guess I just want their respect. The first time we all did this, I showed up in a unitard and they ripped me to shreds. Ever since, I’ve had a chip on my massive simian shoulders. Maybe the tie is an attempt to cover that up.”
Mario, Kong’s long time rival-turned-friend, said he hadn’t even taken notice of the primate’s sartorial choices.
“I just thought-a that’s what he always-a wears,” said the plumber. “That’s-a what most of us-a do. I’m just-a glad it’s a professional and appropriate accessory. Don’t get-a me a-started on Bowser’s bondage cuffs-a. And that’s to say-a nothing about-a the Shy Guys. What are they-a thinking, wearing those-a masks? Are they-a going to an ‘Eyes Wide Shut’-a-style orgy after the race-a? It’s-a honestly quite a-distracting.”
Funky Kong, who refused to clarify his relationship to any other Kongs, said he had been vocal about his opinion on Donkey Kong’s choice of neckwear.
“It’s absolutely square,” said the more casual Kong, who kept noting that things just seemed to come more easily to him than the rest of his clan. “It’s stuffy. I’ve told D.K. a million times to lose the tie. You gotta feel loose when you’re on the track. Sure, the unitard wasn’t the right choice, but it was at least in the right direction. You gotta rock a tank on top with cutoffs below. That allows for maximum flexibility and airflow while also advertising that you’re a pretty laid back guy. No one wants to invite the dude in the tie to the post-race party.”
At press time, Donkey Kong was seen wondering aloud if his fashion choices were what cost him an invitation to Diddy Kong’s racing circuit.