Gandalf Threatens to Sue Student for Publishing Eagle Tracking Data
Wizard claims posts forced him to change plans for secret quest
MINAS TIRITH — Local student Jacken, son of Sweeney, received a letter threatening legal action if he does not stop sharing live updates of wizard Gandalf the Grey’s travel on Eagle-back, sources confirm.
“For the past year, you have engaged in stalking and harassing behavior,” wrote Ackley, son of Acklan, attorney to the wizard, in the letter shared publicly by Jacken. “This includes publishing the real-time and future whereabouts of our client across postal and Palantir networks. Mr. Gandalf is at constant threat of harm from agents of the Enemy, who are known to pursue him across Middle-earth. As you share ‘live’ updates of his destination and the exact time he will arrive at a given location, you essentially give Orcs and Balrogs intent on physically harming him a roadmap to carry out their plans.”
Giseler Fleetfoot, a self-professed “stan” of the wizard, said that he fully supports Gandalf’s legal action.
“I go to all of his fireworks shows,” said Giseler. “It’s so much fun. We all carve friendship pipes before the show and trade them with other fans. We just have such a great, positive community that stretches from the Shire to Gondor, and it’s all founded on the fact that Gandalf is able to fly around Middle-earth as quickly as possible. I know Eagle abuse is a serious issue, but it’s not like one bird makes that big of a difference, right? Some people say he should just ride Shadowfax instead, but even the chief of the Mearas wouldn’t be able to carry him on his many errands swiftly enough. Everyone needs to leave him alone. He’s the one good wizard.”
Jacken defended himself in an open letter posted outside taverns and inns throughout Middle-earth.
“Gandalf didn’t complain when I was tracking the Nazgûl on their fell beasts,” wrote Jacken. “I heard he even followed my live updates on where the crebain were flocking. Suddenly, when it’s his location I’m sharing, it’s a privacy issue. He can talk about the security of secret councils and quests all he wants, but I’m just compiling publicly available information. If I can find it, what makes you think you could hide it from the piercing gaze of the lidless eye that hangs in the clouds above Barad-dûr? It would spot an Eagle right away.”
Shortly before press time, Jacken released an additional statement noting that his audience had significantly increased since the lawsuit was made public.