Guest Column: God Responds to Bartlet’s Cathedral Outburst

Note: Column was dictated while God walked through office corridors

By now, we’re all familiar with the remarks President Bartlet addressed toward me in the Washington National Cathedral. While he and I personally resolved this dispute after I sent the ghost of his secretary to mediate, I would be remiss if I did not take the opportunity to respond publicly to the accusations he made about my conduct.

First, I can assure President Bartlet that I did not hit Dolores Landingham with a drunk driver. Believe it or not, that knowledge of good and evil all of your great-great-great-et-cetera grandparents just had to have comes with some strings attached. You’re now responsible for your own actions. Now, I know Mrs. Landingham didn’t do anything wrong, yet still had to suffer the consequences of someone else’s actions, which sucks. I’ll take the L on that one. 

In my omniscience, I could have designed some world where that didn’t need to happen. If anyone tells you that it was part of my “plan” or something, please understand that’s a load of shit. I’m all-knowing and all-powerful. If my plan somehow required a good person to die — boom, no it doesn’t. I wouldn’t be omnipotent if I was beholden to one specific set of predestined events that included the death of Mrs. Landingham. 

Same thing with the tender ship getting sunk. Same thing with the president’s multiple sclerosis, honestly. People are always saying things like how I give the toughest battles to my strongest warriors, or that I never give anyone more than they can handle, but that’s just not true. For some reason, I thought randomly distributing suffering was a really cool concept when I was creating the world. You know how things are when you’re starting a new project; you get kind of married to these inconsequential ideas even if they don’t really serve your goals or the central premise of your work. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

Now, the part about Josh being President Bartlet’s son — that’s a little weird, to be honest. I don’t think that’s how he sees the relationship, anyway. I try not to pry into people’s private thoughts, but hey, omniscience is a real bitch sometimes. Again, if I went back and did it all over, I would probably make it so that Josh didn’t get shot. And, to be clear, I could go back and do it all over. Once more, I am omnipotent. Still, even though I can see these little glitches popping up, I want to save the proposed revisions for the post-mortem. Let’s see how this world ends up before we make any big changes.

I would like to address the Latin portion of the rant, but unfortunately, my language skills are a little rusty. That “et cetera” I pulled out earlier in this piece is about all I have left.

Also, the cigarette was a bit much. Sure, it was disrespectful to me, but I’m really more concerned about the poor janitor who had to clean it up afterward. That really ruined his whole week.

Finally, now that President Bartlet has announced that he will be seeking re-election, let me be clear: I don’t want Hoynes. No one wants Hoynes.