Julius Caesar Tunes Out Wife as She Recounts Dream

Dictator claims he'd rather be stabbed twenty three times than listen for one more moment

ROME — Dictator Julius Caesar absent-mindedly nodded and made short, affirmative statements as his wife Calpurnia described a dream she had had the previous night, Triumvirate sources confirmed.

“Oh, wow,” said the general and statesman as he adjusted his toga in preparation for a visit to the senate. “Huh. That’s really strange. Wait, really? Haha. Wow. That’s — no, go on. Wow. Blood everywhere, you say? Sounds like a real mess!”

Calpurnia noted that, while she knew Caesar typically hated hearing about other people’s dreams, she was worried that her recent nightmare may have been prophetic.

“Maybe it was just stress over the warning that soothsayer gave him about the Ides of March,” said Calpurnia. “He totally ignored that, too, of course. I can’t stop thinking about him saying, ‘Hey, back at you,’ to the old man. When I told him that I was concerned about it later, he pretended that he misheard it as, ‘See there? The tides are parched.’ He tried to convince me that the guy was commenting on sea level, which was actually normal, by the way. I’ve barely been able to sleep since then, and when I finally do get some shut eye, I have this horrific dream where Julius dies in my arms. Even if it’s not a premonition, he could at least do me the courtesy of listening to me. I was clearly distressed.”

At press time, Caesar was seen distractedly nodding as an exasperated Metellus Cimber attempted to explain a petition to him.