Kong Autopsy Determines It Was, in Fact, the Airplanes
Giant ape’s death not caused by abstract concept of beauty
NEW YORK — A necropsy on the gigantic ape that recently wreaked havoc in midtown Manhattan confirmed that it was killed by a squadron of airplanes that shot it as it raged atop the Empire State Building.
“It was immediately apparent that the creature died from soft tissue damage and blood loss compounded by trauma from a tremendous fall,” said Michael Branch, city coroner. “It certainly wasn’t beauty, in any case. I’m not even sure how I would test for that. Luckily, I didn’t need to. Because of all the bullet holes, and again, the precipitous fall from one thousand feet in the air. It’s tough to find a more obvious cause of death than that.”
Carl Denham, director-turned-exotic animal dealer, disputed the autopsy report’s findings.
“Isn’t there still room in this world for a little wonder? A little whimsy?” said Denham, who is currently facing hundreds of lawsuits in the wake of Kong’s rampage. “Were not those airplanes that felled the beast beautiful examples of American engineering? Is not the Empire State Building from which the ape fell a beautiful monument to man’s achievement in the twentieth century? In this day and age, it is more important than ever that we allow for a little metaphor in our internal lives, if only to match the grandeur of the modern world. Especially if you’re serving on a jury.”
While most local residents disagreed with Denham’s assessment, some had their own thoughts about what brought the giant gorilla low.
“I don’t think it was beauty, no. That’s silly,” said Francine Adams, who said her blonde roommate was snatched from their shared apartment and killed by the hulking primate. “And sure, in a literal sense, it was the airplanes. But that monkey wouldn’t have even been in New York if it weren’t for the allied motives of capitalism and colonialism. All of those lives lost — both the people who were reportedly eaten by dinosaurs and giant bugs on the island as well as those who were killed in the city — were sacrificed at the altar of Mammon. Even the airplanes that did the deed were built to serve the military-industrial complex. Does any of that sound ‘beautiful’ to you?”
At press time, local morticians thought they had found a wound that may have been caused by beauty, but later determined that it, too, was delivered by aircraft-mounted Lewis guns.