Leonidas Slams Persian Empire as “Woke”

Spartan king also targeted "sleepy ephors"

SPARTA — Leonidas I, co-ruler of Sparta, held a press conference to denigrate the approaching Persian forces as “woke,” very loud sources confirmed.

“I’ll tell you, these Persian soldiers spend more time training in DEI than they do training with spears,” said the Spartan king. “They say that diversity is a strength, but I say strength is a strength. I’d rather have our soldiers with their big muscles than these so-called Immortals in their scary masks. And they’ve got more genders than you can count. The only thing they have more of than genders is languages. You know they speak a half dozen languages in that empire? And if they win, they’re going to make you learn all of them. It’s terrible.”

Persian emperor Xerxes I disagreed with Leonidas’ assessment.

“Our warriors are as well-trained and well-equipped as any modern military,” said Xerxes. “I’ve seen all sorts of propaganda claiming that our fighters are all sorts of unspeakable things — cowards, weaklings, giant mutants with swords for arms — but the thing that sticks in my craw is when he calls them slaves. I mean, sure, our empire has dabbled in slavery. I won’t deny that. But the Spartans invented a whole new way of life based around the institution. Don’t sneer at us about it when the helots do all of your work.”

Iosif Koumpono, leader of the Spartan government council known as the ephors, also disputed Leonidas’s claims.

“Look, Jack,” said the elderly Koumpono, “let me be clear: Sparta will not enter into a war with Persia. This Leonidas guy is out of his mind. We can’t — we can’t. Created, created hundreds of jobs. For Spartans. And inflation. I’m tired, man. I’m so very tired.”

At press time, Leonidas was seen screaming that he had won the Battle of Thermopylae as innumerable Persian soldiers overwhelmed his 300 Spartans.