Local Weatherman Suspiciously Over-Insured
Observers are calling the purchase "the definition of insanity"
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Pittsburgh area weatherman Phil Connors purchased several high-rate insurance policies from high school acquaintance Ned Ryerson, local hicks have confirmed.
“It was absolutely bizarre,” said Chuck Arnold, a Punxsutawney resident who witnessed the transaction. “I recognized Phil from the news, and I saw him having this animated conversation with someone I didn’t know. I thought maybe they were arguing, but when I got within earshot, Phil was just buying a ton of insurance from this guy. Whole life, term, uniflex, fire, theft, auto, dental, health, with the optional death and dismemberment plan, water damage — you name it, he bought it. Why would anyone need to buy that much coverage at a moment’s notice? And why would he do it so conspicuously, on a public street? It’s sketchy, right?”
Rita Hanson, Connors’ producer and brand-new romantic partner, said she was beginning to grow concerned after learning about his recent purchase.
“We were having just the best day, when this guy charges up to us and starts talking about all of the insurance policies Phil bought,” said Hanson. “I didn’t think anything about it at first, but it is odd, now that I reflect on it. Phil has been acting pretty strange lately. He’s much happier and nicer than he usually is. He suddenly wants us to move to Punxsutawney, which would mean quitting our jobs. Also, he has talked about suicide, but in a weird way, like he had already done it before. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I think it’s a red flag when you look at it alongside this new information.”
Ryerson, a long time insurance agent, says the transaction was above-board and credits his persistence for his enormous sale.
“Phil might not realize it, but I was trapped in that loop, too,” said Ryerson, grinning devilishly. “I quickly realized that only he and I were aware of the situation, caught in an endless dance. Of course, I didn’t waste my time sleeping with women or learning how to play the piano. No, all of my effort went into landing the biggest sale of my career. Phil might think finding love is what freed him, but I’m pretty sure what ended the time loop was me convincing him to buy all of those policies.”
At press time, Connors had reportedly declared bankruptcy after being unable to find a job in Punxsutawney that could cover his monthly premiums.