Monsters, Inc. Abandons Laughter After Fear Lobbyists Petition Congress

Legislators eager to bring H.R. 2319 to a floor vote

MONSTROPOLIS — Monsters, Inc. has canceled plans to transition to laughter-based energy after the deeply-entrenched fear lobby convinced legislators to introduce a bill protecting traditional power generation techniques.

“What these radical laughists are suggesting is a sudden and extreme shift away from the tried and proven methods of producing electricity that our city has always relied on,” said Barry Waternoose, cousin of the recently incarcerated former CEO of Monsters, Inc. “Laughter-based energy is an interesting idea, but it’s not ready to leave the lab yet. Sure, it looks flashy when a whole bunch of lights and machines suddenly start running at full power whenever a child giggles, but think about it: does that sound safe to you? Should we really be prioritizing the wellbeing of human children over the needs of our own citizens? These bleeding hearts simply haven’t thought it through.”

James “Sulley” Sullivan, a former scarer turned laughter advocate, said he won’t be returning to his old job.

“I can’t go back to that,” said Sulley. “Once your eyes are opened, you can’t close them again. How can I look at myself in the mirror knowing that my work is doing real harm? I already lie awake every night, thinking about the kids that I traumatized. I can’t even justify it by saying that it’s a necessary evil, since we know that laughter can meet all of our energy needs. The only reason we would go back to scaring is because it makes money for the people in power.”

Economists were quick to support the legislation, despite noting the potential represented by laughter-based energy.

“Such a jarring change could have untold repercussions for Monstropolis’ financial health,” said Adrian Dean, fiscal correspondent for Monstropolis News Network. “Plummeting energy costs might seem like a good thing, but it really only benefits consumers. The ruling class that controls these industries stands to lose out, big time. Sure, they could pivot by providing job training for the hordes of newly unemployed child-detection workers, but that would require them to be productive members of society. That’s an unrealistic and unfair expectation. The only solution is to force everyone else to accommodate the wealthy by artificially inhibiting reasonable progress that would benefit all of monsterkind. I’m glad our representatives understand that.”

At press time, fear lobbyists had convinced legislators to draft a bailout for the industry to cover the losses they had suffered during the brief pivot to laughter-based energy.