Neo Instantly Learns Decade-Old Memes After Zion Switches to Neuralink
Hacker reportedly experienced strange side-effects, including confusing a butterfly for a pigeon
NEBUCHADNEZZAR — Computer hacker and prophesied savior of mankind Neo had millions of out-of-date memes uploaded directly into his long-term memory after the Zion Council contracted Elon Musk’s Neuralink to handle humanity’s computer-brain interface needs.
“Whoa,” said Neo, immediately after having The Lonely Island’s “Like a Boss” permanently written into his hippocampus. “Or, I guess I should say, ‘Wow. Very fast. Such meme.’ Get it? Like Doge? Now I’ve got thousands of Doge image macros in my head, forever. I’ve got all the LOLcats, too. I’m certain that these memes will prove indispensable in our fight against the machines, who I now think are woke for some reason.”
Morpheus, Neo’s mentor and captain of the hovercraft Nebuchadnezzar, said that he was dissatisfied with the new system.
“I don’t understand what was wrong with the old interface,” said Morpheus. “Sure, it was hacked together and the UI wasn’t what anyone would call intuitive, but at least it was open source. We could dive in and see exactly what it was doing. Now whenever I jack in a new recruit to give them some combat training, they come out of it doing a terrible impression of Heath Ledger’s Joker. I don’t even want to talk about how everyone is now severely misinterpreting the meaning behind the red and blue pills. This whole thing has me feeling like Bad Luck Brian — see! It’s even poisoning my mind.”
Elon Musk, owner and founder of Neuralink, disputed Morpheus’s objections, saying his company’s technology was a perfect fit for the human resistance.
“I think Morpheus is just mad because I trolled him during my demo to the Zion Council,” said Musk. “He volunteered to be the test subject for a military jet training program, but when he jacked in, I just Rickrolled him instead. It was epic. He got all Grumpy Cat about it, but the council thought it was hilarious. Their sides were in orbit. Morpheus was all serious, saying that his crew depended on this tech for their survival. I said, ‘I used to be an operative like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee.’ That line didn’t just kill; it sealed the deal. Now every ship in the resistance uses Neuralink.”
At press time, Neo was overheard yelling, “This is Sparta!” as he kicked an Agent in the chest.