Next Generation of Westerosi Nobles Postponing Marriage After Series of Horrific Weddings
Wedding planners also note that red and purple have become unpopular themes
KING’S LANDING — Social commentators expressed concern for the future of the Seven Kingdoms after a new report showed that the children of Westerosi gentry were choosing to delay or forgo marriage after a series of violent weddings earlier this year.
“I’m sure these kids think they’re making a responsible decision,” said Maester Cantell, an instructor at the Citadel in Oldtown. “They look at these high profile disasters where two kings died in agony and assume that it’s going to happen to them. But they’re not thinking long term. Look at our recent rulers: they’re all old, infirm, or incompetent. They’re clearly not capable of managing the realm without ample support, starting from the bottom. We can’t afford for birthrates to plummet just because you’re worried that you’ll die a horrible death after being ambushed or poisoned on the happiest day of your life. I get it; marriage is scary. Why do you think I became a Maester? It’s just not acceptable for them to shirk their social duties without making the same sacrifices that I did.”
Some young nobles reject the idea that their reluctance to marry is solely because of the Red and Purple Weddings.
“Obviously, hearing that the literal king of our realm was murdered at his own wedding doesn’t make me eager to try it myself,” said Lelia, firstborn daughter of Lord Algood of the Westerlands. “But I’ve been saying for years that I don’t want to start a family. First of all, where would we go? My brother is going to inherit our demesne. We’re not a very prominent house, so the odds of me being matched with a man who stands to come into his father’s land is pretty low. Are they going to stick us in some tiny dump of holdfast and claim that it's an estate? Then they’ll expect us to fill that upjumped guardhouse with a dozen children, I’m sure. No thanks. I think I’ll just stay here, live off of my family, and focus on my sewing.”
Bran, lordling son of the late Ned Stark, said that his cynical attitude towards marriage had actually come from his supernatural powers.
“It just feels like the entire institution is a sham,” said Bran, who cryptically vowed to one day gain power and change things. “For instance, imagine that a baby is born out of wedlock. The father is a prince and the mother is the daughter of a great lord. Everyone calls him a bastard and says that he cannot inherit lands, blah blah blah. But let’s say that the prince and the lady secretly got married, even though the prince already had a wife. If some magical teenager had a vision revealing this information, people would suddenly treat this guy differently. They might even try to make him king. But really, nothing has changed. Marriage didn’t add anything of value. In fact, it’s pretty narratively unsatisfying.”
At press time, some conservative commentators were blaming the trend on Dothraki influence.