Editor Says They Love Bilbo’s Book, but There’s No Market
Hobbit reportedly comforted by encouragement to keep submitting
MIDDLE EARTH — Burglar and writer Bilbo Baggins was disappointed to receive yet another rejection letter explaining that, while his manuscript was a fun read, publishing houses simply weren’t buying adventure stories right now.
“Wow, Bilbo, this is even better than the previous drafts,” read the letter, signed by Ælfwine of Mariner Press. “But I would remind you again that we do not accept repeat submissions, even if you change the title. In any case, you’re clearly a talented writer, and in different circumstances I’d love to buy your book. Unfortunately, our marketing data shows that readers don’t want longform contemporary fiction right now. They’re absolutely eating up short stories from the First Age, though. If you’ve got your own version of Beren and Lúthien, we’d love to take a look at that. Just make sure you don’t simply use the framework of that tale to comment on a relationship between living figures.”
Baggins was upset by the rejection, noting that he was beginning to lose hope that his book would ever be published.
“I don’t understand,” said Baggins. “All of my beta readers loved it. My cousin, who I’ve adopted as my heir, sings its praises. My gardener’s son, whose entire family is dependent on my business, sits with rapt attention for hours as I read it to him. He often asks me to start again as soon as I’m finished. He cries during all the sad parts and joyously claps his hands at the triumphs. I’m fairly certain he’s wet himself during the scarier passages. He’s a simple lad, but I’ve always tried to write for a broad audience. I don’t understand why publishers don’t get that. It makes me so mad, I almost want to vanish into thin air and never return to the Shire.”
Prominent literary critic Saruman was dismissive of Baggins’s attempts at penning an original story.
“The folk of the Shire are not made for the arts,” said the white wizard. “They produce exceptional pipe weed and should not endeavor to do anything except remain in that industry. It is one of the most treacherous faults in mortals, to believe that you might elevate yourself above your station. Master Baggins must content himself with translation work, at which he is a notable talent. That is greatness enough for a halfling.”
At press time, Baggins was seen sitting down for a brainstorming and revision session with a local ranger known as Strider.