Raphael Kicked off High School Wrestling Team After Testing Positive for Performance-Enhancing Ooze
Student's brother Donatello had previously been approved to use Ooze as academic concentration aid
NEW YORK — Humanoid turtle and Roosevelt High School sophomore Raphael has been banned from competing on the school’s wrestling team after a random test detected the presence of a banned substance in his sample, sources confirm.
“We take this type of infraction very seriously,” said Clark Foster, a representative of the New York State Public High School Athletic Association. “It’s not just that we want our student athletes meeting on a level playing field. Our primary concern is the health of our students. If we allowed these kids to take untested, uncontrolled substances, there’s no telling what might happen to them. They might transform into some kind of super version of themselves, doomed to be crushed beneath a dock in a mad, desperate bid for vengeance. That’s not the kind of future we want for our students.”
Raphael was disappointed by NYSPHSAA’s decision.
“Damn,” said Raphael as he brooded on a rooftop. “I worked so hard to make varsity this year. I haven’t taken the Ooze since I was a baby, and I didn’t even mean to do it then. It’s just so unfair. I was already the shortest guy in my weight class. My coach was always yelling at me about that. I had to keep telling that moron that I couldn’t take off my shell. And now I’m not even allowed to compete. It’s bullcrap.”
Raphael’s brother had a different perspective on the matter.
“Raph needs to understand that rules are rules,” said Leonardo, the eldest of the turtle siblings. “The state says that student athletes can’t use the Ooze. All of the other wrestlers are cool with that. It’s not fair that he would get to break the rule. It’s just like how most of humanity hates and fears us. That just means it’s our job to work extra hard to earn their trust. It’s only fair that we have to put in twice the work for a fraction of the respect. I see no compelling argument for us to fight against the status quo.”
At press time, local attorney Matthew Murdock had reportedly agreed to help Raphael challenge NYSPHSAA’s ruling pro bono.