Report: Devil Even Further Behind After Ill-Advised Fiddle Contest
Lucifer's credit takes biggest hit since Faustian loan forgiveness
HELL — Satan, the Father of Lies and King of the Damned, is reportedly panicking after failing to steal enough souls to make his monthly credit card payment, infernal sources confirm.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh fuck,” said Satan as he paced the fiery halls of Hell. “I’m so fucked. I don’t know how I’m going to fix this. I’m already, like, months behind on my payments. They’re going to send me to collections, I know it. Why did I need to buy a new TV and a PS5? I barely even play it, and they’re probably going to release a new version this year, anyway. What the fuck was I thinking, challenging that kid to a fiddle contest? I haven’t played since I was twelve, and now I’m out a golden fiddle, too. I could’ve pawned that.”
The winner of the fiddle contest had little sympathy for the devil.
“It sounds to me like he got himself in a bind,” said fiddle prodigy Johnny, “so he can find his own way out of it. It ain’t my fault that he challenged the wrong person to a fiddling contest. Just like it ain’t my fault that he didn’t review the terms and conditions when he signed up for that credit card. Only a damned fool would think those introductory interest rates wouldn’t skyrocket. Plus, those yearly fees are a killer. You think you’re all paid up, then boom, you suddenly owe First Hawaiian a dozen souls.”
Satan’s lender rebuffed accusations of bait-and-switch tactics.
“Frankly, I think we offered Mr. Beelzebub very favorable terms,” said Lance Baird, a representative for MasterCard. “Especially given his credit history. He should feel lucky that we allowed him to enroll at all. He’s been blacklisted by CapitalOne, and it’s no secret in the industry that he’s not a reliable creditee. When this gets sent to collections — and it will get sent to collections — we’ll be lucky to get pennies on the soul from him. If anyone is getting screwed here, it’s us.”
At press time, Satan was seen returning to Georgia for a rematch after financing both a Steam Deck and a PSVR 2.