Scorpion King Accused of Bullying His Way Into Other Mummies' Storylines
Declining box office draw brings Scorpion King back to where he started
CAIRO — The Scorpion King, a cursed warrior who commands the magical army of Anubis, has been criticized for reportedly stealing the spotlight from up-and-coming mummies after his film career faltered.
“I really thought this was my moment,” said Hekashepes, a mummy who was discovered by archaeologists just over a year ago. “It was hard enough breaking into this business, since I wasn’t a pharaoh or chancellor or anything. I didn’t have the bloodline, so I worked really hard on my gimmick: I was the mummy who was wrapped in gold. It seemed to be working, too, until the Scorpion King showed up at the pyramid where I was billed. He sucked up all of the oxygen in the place. No one cared about Hekashepes after the Scorpion King started working the crowd.”
Ancient Egyptian chancellor Imhotep said he reached out to apologize to Hekashepes, noting he was partially to blame for the Scorpion King’s behavior.
“I put him over,” said Imhotep, who noted several times that he had retired with dignity. “Without me, there is no Scorpion King. I was instrumental to that push. Scorpion King had the raw talent, and Rick had some draw, but there was no point booking that match until I signed on to make it a Triple Threat. It was a lot of fun, honestly. It was my time to bow out, and I was happy for Scorp. Trouble is, he apparently didn’t realize it was a work. He can’t just come back to the show and still be on top just because his Hollywood career is in shambles.”
Egyptologist Gregory Mitchell noted that fading stars clinging to glory is not unknown in his field.
“Obviously, everyone knows how King Tut stuck around too long,” said Mitchell. “It gets to the point where you’re not even sure which backstory he’s using anymore. Was he a sickly young prince, doomed to die from illness? A free-wheeling badass who met his end in a chariot crash? A precocious revolutionary who so threatened the ruling class that they had him murdered? By the end of his career, I swear even he had trouble keeping track of all of it. He should have hung ‘em up much, much earlier, and Scorpion King should heed that example.”
When asked for comment, the Scorpion King sent a form reply noting that, “the hierarchy of power in Ancient Egypt,” was about to change.