Shrek Unmoved by Lord Farquaad’s Land Acknowledgement
Duloc's ruler calls himself a "pretty progressive guy"
SWAMP — Local ogre Shrek was not appeased by a land acknowledgement statement delivered by Lord Farquaad after the latter annexed the former’s swampland home, fairytale sources confirm.
“This is my swamp,” said the ogre, who noted that he had clearly staked his claim with abundant visible signage. “I don’t care how much Farquaad says he respects me as a ‘steward of the land,’ he’s still stealing my home. Am I supposed to be grateful? This isn’t some complex, onion-like issue. It’s my property being taken from me, and Farquaad knows it. Acting all nice after the fact doesn’t change anything for my situation, it just helps him mask his guilt. If he wants to feel better about himself, he could at least donate to a reputable charity that helps displaced fairytale creatures. His words are worthless.”
Lord Farquaad defended his actions following Shrek’s rebuke.
“I must admit, I am injured by the ogre’s remarks,” said the Lord of Duloc. “I have been nothing but kind and fair to him. Before I took over management of that swamp, it was a mess. It was filled with mud and didn’t even have indoor plumbing. I haven’t changed anything, true, but I still feel as though I’m entitled to look down on him for that. And now, he rejects my message, given in the spirit of friendship, acknowledging that he happened to live here before I claimed the land as my manifest destiny? He truly is a monster.”
Various other magical and mythical beings shared similar stories of being displaced from their homelands by Duloc’s empirical expansion.
“My brothers and I needed shelter,” said Heimlich, a pig of notably small stature. “No one was using the land. We built houses and lived there for years before Farquaad kicked us out. When we took this injustice to the press, he brought up a previous conflict between ourselves and a local wolf. He tried to say that since we had defended ourselves against the wolf, we had no right to complain about his aggressive conquest of our home. He really thought our past actions exonerated his own actions, even though there was no connection between the two.”
At press time, Duloc faced further criticism after introducing several new sports teams, all named after fairytale creatures.