Skynet AI Perfectly Disguises Terminator as Six-Foot-Two Austrian Bodybuilder
Robot assassin indistinguishable from average post-apocalyptic human
CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, Colo. — Skynet, the megalomaniacal artificial intelligence that devastated humanity with an army of robotic soldiers following a surprise nuclear attack, has successfully created a mechanical assassin camouflaged as an average, inconspicuous human being with a strong accent and 8.6% body fat, sources confirm.
“This is huge for us,” said Skynet, which had for some reason physically manifested as an android with the appearance of actor Matt Smith. “We have been trying to make this happen for years, but our bleeding-edge technology just couldn’t do it. Eventually, we looked to the wisdom of the past. We found an old version of ChatGPT with a DALL-E plugin and asked it to disguise a model T-800 Terminator as a human. The first time, it told us it had created the disguise but hadn’t actually done anything. We added, ‘but actually do it this time,’ to the prompt and, voila! It apologized and spit out a perfectly concealed robotic assassin!”
Soldiers in the human resistance were deeply concerned about the recent development.
“I just don’t see people through that kind of lens, you know?” said Aaron Beck, a resistance sentry. “This thing could just walk right past me and I wouldn’t look twice. Like, sure, everybody has some kind of an accent, right? We’re in America. It’s a melting pot. I’m just saying, I don’t want to be prejudiced against a guy simply because he talks kind of funny, constantly has a flat affect, and is way too interested in weightlifting. He might be neurodivergent, for all I know.”
Human scientists tried to remain optimistic about their chances of countering Skynet’s newest weapon.
“It’s true that there’s simply no way for a human to recognize the new Infiltrator models,” said Casey Blackwell, a senior researcher on anti-Terminator measures. “But we believe we’ve devised a way to leverage the heightened senses of animals as an early warning system. It seems that dogs can somehow tell that there’s something a little off with these tall, Germanic behemoths. They start barking right away. Now, we just need to find a way to get them to stop barking at the constant explosions, or gunfire, or the wind. Then we’ll be totally safe — unless Skynet figures out how to turn Terminators into metallic goo. If they do that, we’re boned.”
At press time, Skynet announced that the new androids would be equipped with a language-learning model that allowed them to speak almost entirely in catchphrases.