Study: Average Celestial Eats 8 Spider-men Each Year While Sleeping
Also: Researchers debunk myth that Spider-men nest in Celestial helmets
NEW YORK — A study by researchers from Empire State University has revealed that Celestials, the cosmic beings whose experiments on apes led to the evolution of human intelligence, devour nearly ten Spider-men annually while they sleep.
“It sounds like a surprising result at first,” said Dr. Nathaniel Richards, the school’s leading authority on multiverse theory. “But really, it’s inevitable. There’s just so many goddamned Spider-men. If a Celestial scarfs down eight of them, there’ll be another hundred to take their place soon enough. Honestly, it was hard to verify the number because eight Spider-men is close to being statistically insignificant. One of the paper’s reviewers wanted us to look more deeply into the wider impact of losing these Spider-folk, but come on. They’re all losers in their personal lives, and whatever superhero work they were doing will inevitably be picked up by one of the dozen kids who gets spider powers in the next month. They’re like mosquitoes, and New York is one big pool of standing water. Hell, you and I probably gobble down our fair share of Spider-people from universes where they’re actually the size of spiders. You can’t keep track of them.”
Peter Parker, a graduate student who received his first credit on the research paper, had a contrasting point of view.
“I mean, these guys are people, right?” said Parker. “They’re regular folks, like me and you. They might be the only financial support their elderly aunt has. They probably have a girlfriend, even if her memory is sometimes erased. Maybe they even have a passion for photography. What I’m saying is, we shouldn’t be so blasé about Spider-men being lost en masse. We should try to do something to prevent it. In fact, I’ve got a mind to take a closer look at one of these Celestials myself.”
At press time, witnesses near the Celestial Tiamut heard an irreverent voice start to quip, “Hey, if you’re gonna snore like that, then I’m gonna sleep on the —” before seeing a red and white blur vanish into the dreaming giant’s cavernous mouth.