Tense Kaiju Summit Ends with Preliminary Nuclear Breath Weapon Ban
Mothra, Kong say treaty will promote peace and environmentalism
MONSTER ISLAND — Following a series of false starts and missteps, the world’s giant monsters concluded their recent summit by enacting a treaty that calls for an immediate halt to the use of nuclear-based energy beams as weapons.
“This represents an enormous step forward for both kaiju-kind and the entire world,” said King Kong, who led the initiative to nix breath weapons. “Future generations will look back on this conference as the moment that reason prevailed over brute strength. It’s not controversial at all to say that those kaiju possessing nuclear breath haven’t exactly been responsible with the use of that awesome power. Simple skirmishes often resulted in the severe irradiation of hundreds of square miles, sometimes heavily populated. This preliminary action is the first step to more extensive sensible regulation, leading to a healthier and more peaceful planet.”
Godzilla, king of the monsters and leader of the opposition to the ban, criticized the body’s decision.
“The ban is a short-sighted action that could very well spell doom for us all,” said Godzilla. “First of all, it only binds those who are party to the agreement. Xiliens and other extraterrestrials will face no such restrictions, and I assure you they will not handicap themselves out of a sense of fair play. Plus, the percentage of kaiju using nuclear-based powers is already relatively small. You’ll see far more attacking population centers with laser or gravity beams, which this treaty does not bar. How am I supposed to defend the earth from King Ghidorah with one hand tied behind my back? Does Kong think he’s up to the task? Please.”
One human being who lived in an area frequently affected by kaiju attacks indicated that he appreciated the nuances of the situation but still had a firm opinion.
“Please make it stop,” said Akihiro Miyawaki, 67, who has survived dozens of monster incursions over the course of his life. “Please, God, make them stop. Kill them. Kill the monsters. Or me. You can kill me, too. Please. Just make it end.”
At press time, some monsters accused Godzilla of skirting regulations by continuing to use his nuclear breath weapon inside the Hollow Earth, which he claims is not covered by the treaty.