Weyland-Yutani Corporation Struggling to Find Consumer Applications for Xenomorph Blood
Perfect organism proving difficult to commodify
LONDON — Multinational tech company Weyland-Yutani has encountered unforeseen difficulties while developing products from the acidic blood of a dangerous alien creature discovered in the cold recesses of space.
“I don’t know what the hell they want us to do with this stuff,” said Oliver Avery, senior researcher and product development lead. “It just burns right through anything you try to put it in besides a xenomorph itself. It’s not even useful as a caustic agent because there’s no way to contain it. Speaking of containment, the aliens keep breaching it. Every morning meeting, management asks us for updates. We tell them how many lab techs were killed by the xenomorphs since the last meeting. They don’t even blink. They just keep saying, ‘there’s got to be a way to make money from this.’”
Michael Bishop, senior executive of Weyland-Yutani’s bioweapons division, defended the enormous amount of resources that the company had allocated for xenomorph-related products.
“Honestly, it just seemed like a neat challenge,” said Bishop. “I mean, aliens that bleed acid and have a tiny little extra mouth inside their mouth? That’s so bizarre. There’s absolutely no demand for anything like that in the market. But, frankly, I’m bored, and it takes a lot to entertain me. My last project was designing perfectly life-like androids that look exactly like me, so a Rubik’s cube isn’t going to hold my attention, if you get me. Finding a way to make a profit off of these extraterrestrial monsters is like my Wordle.”
Market analyst Kim Donahue said she was bullish about the prospects of xenomorph-derived products.
“Anything Weyland-Yutani touches turns to gold,” said Donahue, who has vacationed with Weyland-Yutani CEO Hideo Yutani and is set to release a biography of the tycoon later this year. “They’ve spent years and billions of dollars trying to get their hands on this mysterious alien life form, so they must have something up their sleeve. They’ll figure out a use for acid blood, whether it’s for military applications, space exploration, or to burn holes in the ground for their revolutionary new underground transport system. I expect their share prices to skyrocket over the next two quarters.”
Weyland-Yutani responded to a press inquiry regarding this story with an auto-generated message containing only a facehugger emoji.
Kyle, you by yourself could absolutely hold a whole Hard Drive site and never see a dip in quality. It's been amazing stuff, and it just keeps getting amazinger.
Also, my brain didn't read the headline properly at first and thought it was something about using the xenomorph blood for food; reading the actual article then thinking that made me think Hot Ones is probably the best group to "rationally" use the blood.