Willy Jumps Back Over Jetty After Seeing State of World's Oceans

Orca finds Pacific less hospitable than undersized tank

ASTORIA, Ore. — Freed killer whale Willy jumped back into the marina from which he escaped after experiencing firsthand just how polluted the Pacific Ocean had become, wet sources in the first few rows confirmed.

“I was just getting ready to pull in my net when I heard a splash,” said Carl Massey, a local fisherman who had been contracted to prevent the orca from escaping. “We had been paid up front and I wanted to get home, so I tried to pretend I didn’t see anything. Mr. Dial kept yelling at us to catch the whale, and I’d be like, ‘What whale? He’s long gone!’ That asshole dolphin didn’t make it easy, though. He kept jumping around and doing tricks. It’s hard to act like you don’t see a five-ton cetacean doing a double backflip twenty yards away from you.”

Jesse Greenwood, the troubled youth who trained Willy and later hatched the plan to release the whale into the wild, was troubled by the news.

“This is really, really bad,” said Jesse, who first encountered Willy while performing court-mandated community service at the aquatic park that housed the whale. “I thought it was unfair that I had to clean up the whole tank even though I had only done half of the graffiti. Now I’ll have to clean up the entire ocean, and it’s not my fault at all! I mean, I guess I’ve probably thrown a recyclable item into the trash, or forgot to cut up a six-pack ring after drinking soda, but I don’t think I should be responsible for the entire northern Pacific.”

Northwest Adventure Park employee Randolph Johnson, who was also Greenwood’s mentor and accomplice in whale theft, reported that he was at a loss for words.

“This is where I would normally be able to offer a little bit of hope by way of reciting a story from my people that related to the situation,” said Johnson, who is of Haida descent. “But honestly, I’m drawing a blank here. I’m pretty sure nothing like this ever happened back then. I’m not saying my ancestors were mystical stewards of the land, but we definitely didn’t put a giant patch of garbage that’s twice the size of Texas in the middle of the ocean. Call me pessimistic, but I don’t think we’ll be able to ‘salana ayun iasis’ our way out of this one.”

At press time, a despondent Willy was seen jumping back and forth over the jetty, apparently no longer comfortable either within the institution that confined him for years or in the natural habitat that now feels foreign to him.