Woman Trades Most-Hated Last Name in Galaxy for Second-Most-Hated Last Name in Galaxy
Decision was reportedly made solely to satisfy nosy passerby
TATOOINE — Scavenger-turned-Jedi Rey Skywalker said that she is thrilled with her new adopted last name, noting that it carries with it slightly less scorn than her previous surname.
“I spent most of my life as a loner, with no family name at all,” said Skywalker. “Back then, I thought that was the worst possible fate. I prayed for someone to give me an official last name, even if it was just a lame joke about how I was all by myself. Then, when I found out I was really a Palpatine, things actually didn’t improve for me at all. In fact, they got much, much worse. People hated me the moment I introduced myself. That still happens with my new name, but every now and then I’ll get someone who shrugs and says, ‘I guess his kids were all right.’”
The Force ghost of Luke Skywalker praised Rey’s positive attitude.
“I think that’s a great mindset to have,” said the late Jedi master. “I could never see the bright side of it like that. I know everyone thinks I fled to the middle of nowhere and lived as a disgusting hermit because I was ashamed of how I treated my nephew Ben, but it was really because I couldn’t deal with this last name. I mean, my father committed multiple genocides. Being a Skywalker made forming relationships just about impossible. Think about it: if you get a friend request from Paul Hitler, you don’t click ‘accept.’”
Some of Rey’s friends were perplexed by her decision.
“I don’t want to act like I’m judging her for taking a new name. That’s what I did when I got married,” said Finn Dameron. “In fact, I even chose my first name long before that, with the help of my future husband. Of course, both of these names are meaningful to me. What connection does Rey have to the Skywalker family, really? She spent a weekend at Luke’s hideaway and trained on obstacle courses while Leia barely paid attention. I don’t see how that qualifies her to inherit their legacy. She could have easily picked something unique and blazed her own trail.”
At press time, a formerly enslaved stablehand from Canto Bight announced that he was taking on the name “Mace Windu But Even Cooler And More Powerful.”